The Taming of the Shrew

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ORDER	STAGE	SCENE	CHARACTER	LINE
1	(stage directions)	1		Enter HOSTESS and SLY
2		1	SLY	I'll pheeze you, in faith.
3		1	HOSTESS	A pair of stocks, you rogue!
4		1	SLY	Y'are a baggage; the Slys are no rogues. Look in the chronicles: we came in with Richard Conqueror. Therefore, paucas pallabris; let the world slide. Sessa!
5		1	HOSTESS	You will not pay for the glasses you have burst?
6		1	SLY	No, not a denier. Go by, Saint Jeronimy, go to thy cold bed and warm thee.
7		1	HOSTESS	I know my remedy; I must go fetch the third-borough.
8	(stage directions)	1		Exit
9		1	SLY	Third, or fourth, or fifth borough, I'll answer him by law. I'll not budge an inch, boy; let him come, and kindly. [Falls asleep] Wind horns. Enter a LORD from hunting, with his train
10		1	LORD	Huntsman, I charge thee, tender well my hounds; Brach Merriman, the poor cur, is emboss'd; And couple Clowder with the deep-mouth'd brach. Saw'st thou not, boy, how Silver made it good At the hedge corner, in the coldest fault? I would not lose the dog for twenty pound.
11		1	FIRST HUNTSMAN	Why, Belman is as good as he, my lord; He cried upon it at the merest loss, And twice to-day pick'd out the dullest scent; Trust me, I take him for the better dog.
12		1	LORD	Thou art a fool; if Echo were as fleet, I would esteem him worth a dozen such. But sup them well, and look unto them all; To-morrow I intend to hunt again.
13		1	FIRST HUNTSMAN	I will, my lord.
14		1	LORD	What's here? One dead, or drunk? See, doth he breathe?
15		1	SECOND HUNTSMAN	He breathes, my lord. Were he not warm'd with ale, This were a bed but cold to sleep so soundly.
16		1	LORD	O monstrous beast, how like a swine he lies! Grim death, how foul and loathsome is thine image! Sirs, I will practise on this drunken man. What think you, if he were convey'd to bed, Wrapp'd in sweet clothes, rings put upon his fingers, A most delicious banquet by his bed, And brave attendants near him when he wakes, Would not the beggar then forget himself?
17		1	FIRST HUNTSMAN	Believe me, lord, I think he cannot choose.
18		1	SECOND HUNTSMAN	It would seem strange unto him when he wak'd.
19		1	LORD	Even as a flatt'ring dream or worthless fancy. Then take him up, and manage well the jest: Carry him gently to my fairest chamber, And hang it round with all my wanton pictures; Balm his foul head in warm distilled waters, And burn sweet wood to make the lodging sweet; Procure me music ready when he wakes, To make a dulcet and a heavenly sound; And if he chance to speak, be ready straight, And with a low submissive reverence Say 'What is it your honour will command?' Let one attend him with a silver basin Full of rose-water and bestrew'd with flowers; Another bear the ewer, the third a diaper, And say 'Will't please your lordship cool your hands?' Some one be ready with a costly suit, And ask him what apparel he will wear; Another tell him of his hounds and horse, And that his lady mourns at his disease; Persuade him that he hath been lunatic, And, when he says he is, say that he dreams, For he is nothing but a mighty lord. This do, and do it kindly, gentle sirs; It will be pastime passing excellent, If it be husbanded with modesty.
20		1	FIRST HUNTSMAN	My lord, I warrant you we will play our part As he shall think by our true diligence He is no less than what we say he is.
21		1	LORD	Take him up gently, and to bed with him; And each one to his office when he wakes. [SLY is carried out. A trumpet sounds] Sirrah, go see what trumpet 'tis that sounds- [Exit SERVANT] Belike some noble gentleman that means, Travelling some journey, to repose him here. [Re-enter a SERVINGMAN] How now! who is it?
22		1	SERVANT	An't please your honour, players That offer service to your lordship.
23		1	LORD	Bid them come near. Now, fellows, you are welcome.
24		1	PLAYERS	We thank your honour.
25		1	LORD	Do you intend to stay with me to-night?
26		1	PLAYER	So please your lordship to accept our duty.
27		1	LORD	With all my heart. This fellow I remember Since once he play'd a farmer's eldest son; 'Twas where you woo'd the gentlewoman so well. I have forgot your name; but, sure, that part Was aptly fitted and naturally perform'd.
28		1	PLAYER	I think 'twas Soto that your honour means.
29		1	LORD	'Tis very true; thou didst it excellent. Well, you are come to me in happy time, The rather for I have some sport in hand Wherein your cunning can assist me much. There is a lord will hear you play to-night; But I am doubtful of your modesties, Lest, over-eying of his odd behaviour, For yet his honour never heard a play, You break into some merry passion And so offend him; for I tell you, sirs, If you should smile, he grows impatient.
30		1	PLAYER	Fear not, my lord; we can contain ourselves, Were he the veriest antic in the world.
31		1	LORD	Go, sirrah, take them to the buttery, And give them friendly welcome every one; Let them want nothing that my house affords. [Exit one with the PLAYERS] Sirrah, go you to Bartholomew my page, And see him dress'd in all suits like a lady; That done, conduct him to the drunkard's chamber, And call him 'madam,' do him obeisance. Tell him from me- as he will win my love- He bear himself with honourable action, Such as he hath observ'd in noble ladies Unto their lords, by them accomplished; Such duty to the drunkard let him do, With soft low tongue and lowly courtesy, And say 'What is't your honour will command, Wherein your lady and your humble wife May show her duty and make known her love?' And then with kind embracements, tempting kisses, And with declining head into his bosom, Bid him shed tears, as being overjoyed To see her noble lord restor'd to health, Who for this seven years hath esteemed him No better than a poor and loathsome beggar. And if the boy have not a woman's gift To rain a shower of commanded tears, An onion will do well for such a shift, Which, in a napkin being close convey'd, Shall in despite enforce a watery eye. See this dispatch'd with all the haste thou canst; Anon I'll give thee more instructions. Exit a SERVINGMAN I know the boy will well usurp the grace, Voice, gait, and action, of a gentlewoman; I long to hear him call the drunkard 'husband'; And how my men will stay themselves from laughter When they do homage to this simple peasant. I'll in to counsel them; haply my presence May well abate the over-merry spleen, Which otherwise would grow into extremes. Exeunt
32	(stage directions)	2		Enter aloft SLY, with ATTENDANTS; some with apparel, basin and ewer, and other appurtenances; and LORD
33		2	SLY	For God's sake, a pot of small ale.
34		2	FIRST SERVANT	Will't please your lordship drink a cup of sack?
35		2	SECOND SERVANT	Will't please your honour taste of these conserves?
36		2	THIRD SERVANT	What raiment will your honour wear to-day?
37		2	SLY	I am Christophero Sly; call not me 'honour' nor 'lordship.' I ne'er drank sack in my life; and if you give me any conserves, give me conserves of beef. Ne'er ask me what raiment I'll wear, for I have no more doublets than backs, no more stockings than legs, nor no more shoes than feet- nay, sometime more feet than shoes, or such shoes as my toes look through the overleather.
38		2	LORD	Heaven cease this idle humour in your honour! O, that a mighty man of such descent, Of such possessions, and so high esteem, Should be infused with so foul a spirit!
39		2	SLY	What, would you make me mad? Am not I Christopher Sly, old Sly's son of Burton Heath; by birth a pedlar, by education a cardmaker, by transmutation a bear-herd, and now by present profession a tinker? Ask Marian Hacket, the fat ale-wife of Wincot, if she know me not; if she say I am not fourteen pence on the score for sheer ale, score me up for the lying'st knave in Christendom. What! I am not bestraught. [Taking a pot of ale] Here's-
40		2	THIRD SERVANT	O, this it is that makes your lady mourn!
41		2	SECOND SERVANT	O, this is it that makes your servants droop!
42		2	LORD	Hence comes it that your kindred shuns your house, As beaten hence by your strange lunacy. O noble lord, bethink thee of thy birth! Call home thy ancient thoughts from banishment, And banish hence these abject lowly dreams. Look how thy servants do attend on thee, Each in his office ready at thy beck. Wilt thou have music? Hark! Apollo plays, [Music] And twenty caged nightingales do sing. Or wilt thou sleep? We'll have thee to a couch Softer and sweeter than the lustful bed On purpose trimm'd up for Semiramis. Say thou wilt walk: we will bestrew the ground. Or wilt thou ride? Thy horses shall be trapp'd, Their harness studded all with gold and pearl. Dost thou love hawking? Thou hast hawks will soar Above the morning lark. Or wilt thou hunt? Thy hounds shall make the welkin answer them And fetch shall echoes from the hollow earth.
43		2	FIRST SERVANT	Say thou wilt course; thy greyhounds are as swift As breathed stags; ay, fleeter than the roe.
44		2	SECOND SERVANT	Dost thou love pictures? We will fetch thee straight Adonis painted by a running brook, And Cytherea all in sedges hid, Which seem to move and wanton with her breath Even as the waving sedges play wi' th' wind.
45		2	LORD	We'll show thee Io as she was a maid And how she was beguiled and surpris'd, As lively painted as the deed was done.
46		2	THIRD SERVANT	Or Daphne roaming through a thorny wood, Scratching her legs, that one shall swear she bleeds And at that sight shall sad Apollo weep, So workmanly the blood and tears are drawn.
47		2	LORD	Thou art a lord, and nothing but a lord. Thou hast a lady far more beautiful Than any woman in this waning age.
48		2	FIRST SERVANT	And, till the tears that she hath shed for thee Like envious floods o'er-run her lovely face, She was the fairest creature in the world; And yet she is inferior to none.
49		2	SLY	Am I a lord and have I such a lady? Or do I dream? Or have I dream'd till now? I do not sleep: I see, I hear, I speak; I smell sweet savours, and I feel soft things. Upon my life, I am a lord indeed, And not a tinker, nor Christopher Sly. Well, bring our lady hither to our sight; And once again, a pot o' th' smallest ale.
50		2	SECOND SERVANT	Will't please your Mightiness to wash your hands? O, how we joy to see your wit restor'd! O, that once more you knew but what you are! These fifteen years you have been in a dream; Or, when you wak'd, so wak'd as if you slept.

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A comedy written in 1593 by William Shakespeare