Twelfth Night, or What You Will

A comedy written in 1599 by William Shakespeare

ORDERSTAGEACTSCENECHARACTERLINE
1(stage directions)11[Enter DUKE ORSINO, CURIO, and other Lords; Musicians attending]
211DUKE ORSINOIf music be the food of love, play on; Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting, The appetite may sicken, and so die. That strain again! it had a dying fall: O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound, That breathes upon a bank of violets, Stealing and giving odour! Enough; no more: 'Tis not so sweet now as it was before. O spirit of love! how quick and fresh art thou, That, notwithstanding thy capacity Receiveth as the sea, nought enters there, Of what validity and pitch soe'er, But falls into abatement and low price, Even in a minute: so full of shapes is fancy That it alone is high fantastical.
311CURIOWill you go hunt, my lord?
411DUKE ORSINOWhat, Curio?
511CURIOThe hart.
611DUKE ORSINOWhy, so I do, the noblest that I have: O, when mine eyes did see Olivia first, Methought she purged the air of pestilence! That instant was I turn'd into a hart; And my desires, like fell and cruel hounds, E'er since pursue me. [Enter VALENTINE] How now! what news from her?
711VALENTINESo please my lord, I might not be admitted; But from her handmaid do return this answer: The element itself, till seven years' heat, Shall not behold her face at ample view; But, like a cloistress, she will veiled walk And water once a day her chamber round With eye-offending brine: all this to season A brother's dead love, which she would keep fresh And lasting in her sad remembrance.
811DUKE ORSINOO, she that hath a heart of that fine frame To pay this debt of love but to a brother, How will she love, when the rich golden shaft Hath kill'd the flock of all affections else That live in her; when liver, brain and heart, These sovereign thrones, are all supplied, and fill'd Her sweet perfections with one self king! Away before me to sweet beds of flowers: Love-thoughts lie rich when canopied with bowers.
9(stage directions)11[Exeunt]
10(stage directions)12[Enter VIOLA, a Captain, and Sailors]
1112VIOLAWhat country, friends, is this?
1212CAPTAINThis is Illyria, lady.
1312VIOLAAnd what should I do in Illyria? My brother he is in Elysium. Perchance he is not drown'd: what think you, sailors?
1412CAPTAINIt is perchance that you yourself were saved.
1512VIOLAO my poor brother! and so perchance may he be.
1612CAPTAINTrue, madam: and, to comfort you with chance, Assure yourself, after our ship did split, When you and those poor number saved with you Hung on our driving boat, I saw your brother, Most provident in peril, bind himself, Courage and hope both teaching him the practise, To a strong mast that lived upon the sea; Where, like Arion on the dolphin's back, I saw him hold acquaintance with the waves So long as I could see.
1712VIOLAFor saying so, there's gold: Mine own escape unfoldeth to my hope, Whereto thy speech serves for authority, The like of him. Know'st thou this country?
1812CAPTAINAy, madam, well; for I was bred and born Not three hours' travel from this very place.
1912VIOLAWho governs here?
2012CAPTAINA noble duke, in nature as in name.
2112VIOLAWhat is the name?
2212CAPTAINOrsino.
2312VIOLAOrsino! I have heard my father name him: He was a bachelor then.
2412CAPTAINAnd so is now, or was so very late; For but a month ago I went from hence, And then 'twas fresh in murmur,--as, you know, What great ones do the less will prattle of,-- That he did seek the love of fair Olivia.
2512VIOLAWhat's she?
2612CAPTAINA virtuous maid, the daughter of a count That died some twelvemonth since, then leaving her In the protection of his son, her brother, Who shortly also died: for whose dear love, They say, she hath abjured the company And sight of men.
2712VIOLAO that I served that lady And might not be delivered to the world, Till I had made mine own occasion mellow, What my estate is!
2812CAPTAINThat were hard to compass; Because she will admit no kind of suit, No, not the duke's.
2912VIOLAThere is a fair behavior in thee, captain; And though that nature with a beauteous wall Doth oft close in pollution, yet of thee I will believe thou hast a mind that suits With this thy fair and outward character. I prithee, and I'll pay thee bounteously, Conceal me what I am, and be my aid For such disguise as haply shall become The form of my intent. I'll serve this duke: Thou shall present me as an eunuch to him: It may be worth thy pains; for I can sing And speak to him in many sorts of music That will allow me very worth his service. What else may hap to time I will commit; Only shape thou thy silence to my wit.
3012CAPTAINBe you his eunuch, and your mute I'll be: When my tongue blabs, then let mine eyes not see.
3112VIOLAI thank thee: lead me on.
32(stage directions)12[Exeunt]
33(stage directions)13[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA]
3413SIR TOBY BELCHWhat a plague means my niece, to take the death of her brother thus? I am sure care's an enemy to life.
3513MARIABy my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o' nights: your cousin, my lady, takes great exceptions to your ill hours.
3613SIR TOBY BELCHWhy, let her except, before excepted.
3713MARIAAy, but you must confine yourself within the modest limits of order.
3813SIR TOBY BELCHConfine! I'll confine myself no finer than I am: these clothes are good enough to drink in; and so be these boots too: an they be not, let them hang themselves in their own straps.
3913MARIAThat quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.
4013SIR TOBY BELCHWho, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?
4113MARIAAy, he.
4213SIR TOBY BELCHHe's as tall a man as any's in Illyria.
4313MARIAWhat's that to the purpose?
4413SIR TOBY BELCHWhy, he has three thousand ducats a year.
4513MARIAAy, but he'll have but a year in all these ducats: he's a very fool and a prodigal.
4613SIR TOBY BELCHFie, that you'll say so! he plays o' the viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages word for word without book, and hath all the good gifts of nature.
4713MARIAHe hath indeed, almost natural: for besides that he's a fool, he's a great quarreller: and but that he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarrelling, 'tis thought among the prudent he would quickly have the gift of a grave.
4813SIR TOBY BELCHBy this hand, they are scoundrels and subtractors that say so of him. Who are they?
4913MARIAThey that add, moreover, he's drunk nightly in your company.
5013SIR TOBY BELCHWith drinking healths to my niece: I'll drink to her as long as there is a passage in my throat and drink in Illyria: he's a coward and a coystrill that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn o' the toe like a parish-top. What, wench! Castiliano vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.
51(stage directions)13[Enter SIR ANDREW]
5213SIR ANDREWSir Toby Belch! how now, Sir Toby Belch!
5313SIR TOBY BELCHSweet Sir Andrew!
5413SIR ANDREWBless you, fair shrew.
5513MARIAAnd you too, sir.
5613SIR TOBY BELCHAccost, Sir Andrew, accost.
5713SIR ANDREWWhat's that?
5813SIR TOBY BELCHMy niece's chambermaid.
5913SIR ANDREWGood Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.
6013MARIAMy name is Mary, sir.
6113SIR ANDREWGood Mistress Mary Accost,--
6213SIR TOBY BELCHYou mistake, knight; 'accost' is front her, board her, woo her, assail her.
6313SIR ANDREWBy my troth, I would not undertake her in this company. Is that the meaning of 'accost'?
6413MARIAFare you well, gentlemen.
6513SIR TOBY BELCHAn thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst never draw sword again.
6613SIR ANDREWAn you part so, mistress, I would I might never draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools in hand?
6713MARIASir, I have not you by the hand.
6813SIR ANDREWMarry, but you shall have; and here's my hand.
6913MARIANow, sir, 'thought is free:' I pray you, bring your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.
7013SIR ANDREWWherefore, sweet-heart? what's your metaphor?
7113MARIAIt's dry, sir.
7213SIR ANDREWWhy, I think so: I am not such an ass but I can keep my hand dry. But what's your jest?
7313MARIAA dry jest, sir.
7413SIR ANDREWAre you full of them?
7513MARIAAy, sir, I have them at my fingers' ends: marry, now I let go your hand, I am barren.
76(stage directions)13[Exit]
7713SIR TOBY BELCHO knight thou lackest a cup of canary: when did I see thee so put down?
7813SIR ANDREWNever in your life, I think; unless you see canary put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a great eater of beef and I believe that does harm to my wit.
7913SIR TOBY BELCHNo question.
8013SIR ANDREWAn I thought that, I'ld forswear it. I'll ride home to-morrow, Sir Toby.
8113SIR TOBY BELCHPourquoi, my dear knight?
8213SIR ANDREWWhat is 'Pourquoi'? do or not do? I would I had bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in fencing, dancing and bear-baiting: O, had I but followed the arts!
8313SIR TOBY BELCHThen hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.
8413SIR ANDREWWhy, would that have mended my hair?
8513SIR TOBY BELCHPast question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.
8613SIR ANDREWBut it becomes me well enough, does't not?
8713SIR TOBY BELCHExcellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs and spin it off.
8813SIR ANDREWFaith, I'll home to-morrow, Sir Toby: your niece will not be seen; or if she be, it's four to one she'll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her.
8913SIR TOBY BELCHShe'll none o' the count: she'll not match above her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I have heard her swear't. Tut, there's life in't, man.
9013SIR ANDREWI'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the strangest mind i' the world; I delight in masques and revels sometimes altogether.
9113SIR TOBY BELCHArt thou good at these kickshawses, knight?
9213SIR ANDREWAs any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare with an old man.
9313SIR TOBY BELCHWhat is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?
9413SIR ANDREWFaith, I can cut a caper.
9513SIR TOBY BELCHAnd I can cut the mutton to't.
9613SIR ANDREWAnd I think I have the back-trick simply as strong as any man in Illyria.
9713SIR TOBY BELCHWherefore are these things hid? wherefore have these gifts a curtain before 'em? are they like to take dust, like Mistress Mall's picture? why dost thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in? I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.
9813SIR ANDREWAy, 'tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels?
9913SIR TOBY BELCHWhat shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus?
10013SIR ANDREWTaurus! That's sides and heart.
10113SIR TOBY BELCHNo, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the caper; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent!
102(stage directions)13[Exeunt]
103(stage directions)14[Enter VALENTINE and VIOLA in man's attire]
10414VALENTINEIf the duke continue these favours towards you, Cesario, you are like to be much advanced: he hath known you but three days, and already you are no stranger.
10514VIOLAYou either fear his humour or my negligence, that you call in question the continuance of his love: is he inconstant, sir, in his favours?
10614VALENTINENo, believe me.
10714VIOLAI thank you. Here comes the count.
108(stage directions)14[Enter DUKE ORSINO, CURIO, and Attendants]
10914DUKE ORSINOWho saw Cesario, ho?
11014VIOLAOn your attendance, my lord; here.
11114DUKE ORSINOStand you a while aloof, Cesario, Thou know'st no less but all; I have unclasp'd To thee the book even of my secret soul: Therefore, good youth, address thy gait unto her; Be not denied access, stand at her doors, And tell them, there thy fixed foot shall grow Till thou have audience.
11214VIOLASure, my noble lord, If she be so abandon'd to her sorrow As it is spoke, she never will admit me.
11314DUKE ORSINOBe clamorous and leap all civil bounds Rather than make unprofited return.
11414VIOLASay I do speak with her, my lord, what then?
11514DUKE ORSINOO, then unfold the passion of my love, Surprise her with discourse of my dear faith: It shall become thee well to act my woes; She will attend it better in thy youth Than in a nuncio's of more grave aspect.
11614VIOLAI think not so, my lord.
11714DUKE ORSINODear lad, believe it; For they shall yet belie thy happy years, That say thou art a man: Diana's lip Is not more smooth and rubious; thy small pipe Is as the maiden's organ, shrill and sound, And all is semblative a woman's part. I know thy constellation is right apt For this affair. Some four or five attend him; All, if you will; for I myself am best When least in company. Prosper well in this, And thou shalt live as freely as thy lord, To call his fortunes thine.
11814VIOLAI'll do my best To woo your lady: [Aside] yet, a barful strife! Whoe'er I woo, myself would be his wife.
119(stage directions)14[Exeunt]
120(stage directions)15[Enter MARIA and Clown]
12115MARIANay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence.
12215CLOWNLet her hang me: he that is well hanged in this world needs to fear no colours.
12315MARIAMake that good.
12415CLOWNHe shall see none to fear.
12515MARIAA good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that saying was born, of 'I fear no colours.'
12615CLOWNWhere, good Mistress Mary?
12715MARIAIn the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.
12815CLOWNWell, God give them wisdom that have it; and those that are fools, let them use their talents.
12915MARIAYet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or, to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you?
13015CLOWNMany a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and, for turning away, let summer bear it out.
13115MARIAYou are resolute, then?
13215CLOWNNot so, neither; but I am resolved on two points.
13315MARIAThat if one break, the other will hold; or, if both break, your gaskins fall.
13415CLOWNApt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way; if Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.
13515MARIAPeace, you rogue, no more o' that. Here comes my lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.
136(stage directions)15[Exit]
13715CLOWNWit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling! Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus? 'Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.' [Enter OLIVIA with MALVOLIO] God bless thee, lady!
13815OLIVIATake the fool away.
13915CLOWNDo you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.
14015OLIVIAGo to, you're a dry fool; I'll no more of you: besides, you grow dishonest.
14115CLOWNTwo faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing that's mended is but patched: virtue that transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that amends is but patched with virtue. If that this simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not, what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but calamity, so beauty's a flower. The lady bade take away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.
14215OLIVIASir, I bade them take away you.
14315CLOWNMisprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non facit monachum; that's as much to say as I wear not motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool.
14415OLIVIACan you do it?
14515CLOWNDexterously, good madonna.
14615OLIVIAMake your proof.
14715CLOWNI must catechise you for it, madonna: good my mouse of virtue, answer me.
14815OLIVIAWell, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof.
14915CLOWNGood madonna, why mournest thou?
15015OLIVIAGood fool, for my brother's death.
15115CLOWNI think his soul is in hell, madonna.
15215OLIVIAI know his soul is in heaven, fool.
15315CLOWNThe more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother's soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.
15415OLIVIAWhat think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend?
15515MALVOLIOYes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him: infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the better fool.
15615CLOWNGod send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his word for two pence that you are no fool.
15715OLIVIAHow say you to that, Malvolio?
15815MALVOLIOI marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day with an ordinary fool that has no more brain than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men, that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better than the fools' zanies.
15915OLIVIAOh, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste with a distempered appetite. To be generous, guiltless and of free disposition, is to take those things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets: there is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet man, though he do nothing but reprove.
16015CLOWNNow Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou speakest well of fools!
161(stage directions)15[Re-enter MARIA]
16215MARIAMadam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires to speak with you.
16315OLIVIAFrom the Count Orsino, is it?
16415MARIAI know not, madam: 'tis a fair young man, and well attended.
16515OLIVIAWho of my people hold him in delay?
16615MARIASir Toby, madam, your kinsman.
16715OLIVIAFetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but madman: fie on him! [Exit MARIA] Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it. [Exit MALVOLIO] Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and people dislike it.
16815CLOWNThou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with brains! for,--here he comes,--one of thy kin has a most weak pia mater.
169(stage directions)15[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH]
17015OLIVIABy mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin?
17115SIR TOBY BELCHA gentleman.
17215OLIVIAA gentleman! what gentleman?
17315SIR TOBY BELCH'Tis a gentle man here--a plague o' these pickle-herring! How now, sot!
17415CLOWNGood Sir Toby!
17515OLIVIACousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?
17615SIR TOBY BELCHLechery! I defy lechery. There's one at the gate.
17715OLIVIAAy, marry, what is he?
17815SIR TOBY BELCHLet him be the devil, an he will, I care not: give me faith, say I. Well, it's all one.
179(stage directions)15[Exit]
18015OLIVIAWhat's a drunken man like, fool?
18115CLOWNLike a drowned man, a fool and a mad man: one draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads him; and a third drowns him.
18215OLIVIAGo thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o' my coz; for he's in the third degree of drink, he's drowned: go, look after him.
18315CLOWNHe is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look to the madman.
184(stage directions)15[Exit]
185(stage directions)15[Re-enter MALVOLIO]
18615MALVOLIOMadam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to understand so much, and therefore comes to speak with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him, lady? he's fortified against any denial.
18715OLIVIATell him he shall not speak with me.
18815MALVOLIOHas been told so; and he says, he'll stand at your door like a sheriff's post, and be the supporter to a bench, but he'll speak with you.
18915OLIVIAWhat kind o' man is he?
19015MALVOLIOWhy, of mankind.
19115OLIVIAWhat manner of man?
19215MALVOLIOOf very ill manner; he'll speak with you, will you or no.
19315OLIVIAOf what personage and years is he?
19415MALVOLIONot yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for a boy; as a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or a cooling when 'tis almost an apple: 'tis with him in standing water, between boy and man. He is very well-favoured and he speaks very shrewishly; one would think his mother's milk were scarce out of him.
19515OLIVIALet him approach: call in my gentlewoman.
19615MALVOLIOGentlewoman, my lady calls.
197(stage directions)15[Exit]
198(stage directions)15[Re-enter MARIA]
19915OLIVIAGive me my veil: come, throw it o'er my face. We'll once more hear Orsino's embassy.
200(stage directions)15[Enter VIOLA, and Attendants]
20115VIOLAThe honourable lady of the house, which is she?
20215OLIVIASpeak to me; I shall answer for her. Your will?
20315VIOLAMost radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty,--I pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house, for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away my speech, for besides that it is excellently well penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very comptible, even to the least sinister usage.
20415OLIVIAWhence came you, sir?
20515VIOLAI can say little more than I have studied, and that question's out of my part. Good gentle one, give me modest assurance if you be the lady of the house, that I may proceed in my speech.
20615OLIVIAAre you a comedian?
20715VIOLANo, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are you the lady of the house?
20815OLIVIAIf I do not usurp myself, I am.
20915VIOLAMost certain, if you are she, you do usurp yourself; for what is yours to bestow is not yours to reserve. But this is from my commission: I will on with my speech in your praise, and then show you the heart of my message.
21015OLIVIACome to what is important in't: I forgive you the praise.
21115VIOLAAlas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis poetical.
21215OLIVIAIt is the more like to be feigned: I pray you, keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates, and allowed your approach rather to wonder at you than to hear you. If you be not mad, be gone; if you have reason, be brief: 'tis not that time of moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue.
21315MARIAWill you hoist sail, sir? here lies your way.
21415VIOLANo, good swabber; I am to hull here a little longer. Some mollification for your giant, sweet lady. Tell me your mind: I am a messenger.
21515OLIVIASure, you have some hideous matter to deliver, when the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.
21615VIOLAIt alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of war, no taxation of homage: I hold the olive in my hand; my words are as fun of peace as matter.
21715OLIVIAYet you began rudely. What are you? what would you?
21815VIOLAThe rudeness that hath appeared in me have I learned from my entertainment. What I am, and what I would, are as secret as maidenhead; to your ears, divinity, to any other's, profanation.
21915OLIVIAGive us the place alone: we will hear this divinity. [Exeunt MARIA and Attendants] Now, sir, what is your text?
22015VIOLAMost sweet lady,--
22115OLIVIAA comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it. Where lies your text?
22215VIOLAIn Orsino's bosom.
22315OLIVIAIn his bosom! In what chapter of his bosom?
22415VIOLATo answer by the method, in the first of his heart.
22515OLIVIAO, I have read it: it is heresy. Have you no more to say?
22615VIOLAGood madam, let me see your face.
22715OLIVIAHave you any commission from your lord to negotiate with my face? You are now out of your text: but we will draw the curtain and show you the picture. Look you, sir, such a one I was this present: is't not well done?
228(stage directions)15[Unveiling]
22915VIOLAExcellently done, if God did all.
23015OLIVIA'Tis in grain, sir; 'twill endure wind and weather.
23115VIOLA'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on: Lady, you are the cruell'st she alive, If you will lead these graces to the grave And leave the world no copy.
23215OLIVIAO, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted; I will give out divers schedules of my beauty: it shall be inventoried, and every particle and utensil labelled to my will: as, item, two lips, indifferent red; item, two grey eyes, with lids to them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were you sent hither to praise me?
23315VIOLAI see you what you are, you are too proud; But, if you were the devil, you are fair. My lord and master loves you: O, such love Could be but recompensed, though you were crown'd The nonpareil of beauty!
23415OLIVIAHow does he love me?
23515VIOLAWith adorations, fertile tears, With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.
23615OLIVIAYour lord does know my mind; I cannot love him: Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble, Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth; In voices well divulged, free, learn'd and valiant; And in dimension and the shape of nature A gracious person: but yet I cannot love him; He might have took his answer long ago.
23715VIOLAIf I did love you in my master's flame, With such a suffering, such a deadly life, In your denial I would find no sense; I would not understand it.
23815OLIVIAWhy, what would you?
23915VIOLAMake me a willow cabin at your gate, And call upon my soul within the house; Write loyal cantons of contemned love And sing them loud even in the dead of night; Halloo your name to the reverberate hills And make the babbling gossip of the air Cry out 'Olivia!' O, You should not rest Between the elements of air and earth, But you should pity me!
24015OLIVIAYou might do much. What is your parentage?
24115VIOLAAbove my fortunes, yet my state is well: I am a gentleman.
24215OLIVIAGet you to your lord; I cannot love him: let him send no more; Unless, perchance, you come to me again, To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well: I thank you for your pains: spend this for me.
24315VIOLAI am no fee'd post, lady; keep your purse: My master, not myself, lacks recompense. Love make his heart of flint that you shall love; And let your fervor, like my master's, be Placed in contempt! Farewell, fair cruelty.
244(stage directions)15[Exit]
24515OLIVIA'What is your parentage?' 'Above my fortunes, yet my state is well: I am a gentleman.' I'll be sworn thou art; Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions and spirit, Do give thee five-fold blazon: not too fast: soft, soft! Unless the master were the man. How now! Even so quickly may one catch the plague? Methinks I feel this youth's perfections With an invisible and subtle stealth To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be. What ho, Malvolio!
246(stage directions)15[Re-enter MALVOLIO]
24715MALVOLIOHere, madam, at your service.
24815OLIVIARun after that same peevish messenger, The county's man: he left this ring behind him, Would I or not: tell him I'll none of it. Desire him not to flatter with his lord, Nor hold him up with hopes; I am not for him: If that the youth will come this way to-morrow, I'll give him reasons for't: hie thee, Malvolio.
24915MALVOLIOMadam, I will.
250(stage directions)15[Exit]
25115OLIVIAI do I know not what, and fear to find Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind. Fate, show thy force: ourselves we do not owe; What is decreed must be, and be this so.
252(stage directions)15[Exit]
253(stage directions)21[Enter ANTONIO and SEBASTIAN]
25421ANTONIOWill you stay no longer? nor will you not that I go with you?
25521SEBASTIANBy your patience, no. My stars shine darkly over me: the malignancy of my fate might perhaps distemper yours; therefore I shall crave of you your leave that I may bear my evils alone: it were a bad recompense for your love, to lay any of them on you.
25621SEBASTIANNo, sooth, sir: my determinate voyage is mere extravagancy. But I perceive in you so excellent a touch of modesty, that you will not extort from me what I am willing to keep in; therefore it charges me in manners the rather to express myself. You must know of me then, Antonio, my name is Sebastian, which I called Roderigo. My father was that Sebastian of Messaline, whom I know you have heard of. He left behind him myself and a sister, both born in an hour: if the heavens had been pleased, would we had so ended! but you, sir, altered that; for some hour before you took me from the breach of the sea was my sister drowned.
25721ANTONIOAlas the day!
25821SEBASTIANA lady, sir, though it was said she much resembled me, was yet of many accounted beautiful: but, though I could not with such estimable wonder overfar believe that, yet thus far I will boldly publish her; she bore a mind that envy could not but call fair. She is drowned already, sir, with salt water, though I seem to drown her remembrance again with more.
25921ANTONIOPardon me, sir, your bad entertainment.
26021SEBASTIANO good Antonio, forgive me your trouble.
26121ANTONIOIf you will not murder me for my love, let me be your servant.
26221SEBASTIANIf you will not undo what you have done, that is, kill him whom you have recovered, desire it not. Fare ye well at once: my bosom is full of kindness, and I am yet so near the manners of my mother, that upon the least occasion more mine eyes will tell tales of me. I am bound to the Count Orsino's court: farewell.
263(stage directions)21[Exit]
26421ANTONIOThe gentleness of all the gods go with thee! I have many enemies in Orsino's court, Else would I very shortly see thee there. But, come what may, I do adore thee so, That danger shall seem sport, and I will go.
265(stage directions)21[Exit]
266(stage directions)22[Enter VIOLA, MALVOLIO following]
26722MALVOLIOWere not you even now with the Countess Olivia?
26822VIOLAEven now, sir; on a moderate pace I have since arrived but hither.
26922MALVOLIOShe returns this ring to you, sir: you might have saved me my pains, to have taken it away yourself. She adds, moreover, that you should put your lord into a desperate assurance she will none of him: and one thing more, that you be never so hardy to come again in his affairs, unless it be to report your lord's taking of this. Receive it so.
27022VIOLAShe took the ring of me: I'll none of it.
27122MALVOLIOCome, sir, you peevishly threw it to her; and her will is, it should be so returned: if it be worth stooping for, there it lies in your eye; if not, be it his that finds it.
272(stage directions)22[Exit]
27322VIOLAI left no ring with her: what means this lady? Fortune forbid my outside have not charm'd her! She made good view of me; indeed, so much, That sure methought her eyes had lost her tongue, For she did speak in starts distractedly. She loves me, sure; the cunning of her passion Invites me in this churlish messenger. None of my lord's ring! why, he sent her none. I am the man: if it be so, as 'tis, Poor lady, she were better love a dream. Disguise, I see, thou art a wickedness, Wherein the pregnant enemy does much. How easy is it for the proper-false In women's waxen hearts to set their forms! Alas, our frailty is the cause, not we! For such as we are made of, such we be. How will this fadge? my master loves her dearly; And I, poor monster, fond as much on him; And she, mistaken, seems to dote on me. What will become of this? As I am man, My state is desperate for my master's love; As I am woman,--now alas the day!-- What thriftless sighs shall poor Olivia breathe! O time! thou must untangle this, not I; It is too hard a knot for me to untie!
274(stage directions)22[Exit]
275(stage directions)23[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW]
27623SIR TOBY BELCHApproach, Sir Andrew: not to be abed after midnight is to be up betimes; and 'diluculo surgere,' thou know'st,--
27723SIR ANDREWNay, my troth, I know not: but I know, to be up late is to be up late.
27823SIR TOBY BELCHA false conclusion: I hate it as an unfilled can. To be up after midnight and to go to bed then, is early: so that to go to bed after midnight is to go to bed betimes. Does not our life consist of the four elements?
27923SIR ANDREWFaith, so they say; but I think it rather consists of eating and drinking.
28023SIR TOBY BELCHThou'rt a scholar; let us therefore eat and drink. Marian, I say! a stoup of wine!
281(stage directions)23[Enter Clown]
28223SIR ANDREWHere comes the fool, i' faith.
28323CLOWNHow now, my hearts! did you never see the picture of 'we three'?
28423SIR TOBY BELCHWelcome, ass. Now let's have a catch.
28523SIR ANDREWBy my troth, the fool has an excellent breast. I had rather than forty shillings I had such a leg, and so sweet a breath to sing, as the fool has. In sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling last night, when thou spokest of Pigrogromitus, of the Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus: 'twas very good, i' faith. I sent thee sixpence for thy leman: hadst it?
28623CLOWNI did impeticos thy gratillity; for Malvolio's nose is no whipstock: my lady has a white hand, and the Myrmidons are no bottle-ale houses.
28723SIR ANDREWExcellent! why, this is the best fooling, when all is done. Now, a song.
28823SIR TOBY BELCHCome on; there is sixpence for you: let's have a song.
28923SIR ANDREWThere's a testril of me too: if one knight give a--
29023CLOWNWould you have a love-song, or a song of good life?
29123SIR TOBY BELCHA love-song, a love-song.
29223SIR ANDREWAy, ay: I care not for good life.
29323CLOWN[Sings] O mistress mine, where are you roaming? O, stay and hear; your true love's coming, That can sing both high and low: Trip no further, pretty sweeting; Journeys end in lovers meeting, Every wise man's son doth know.
29423SIR ANDREWExcellent good, i' faith.
29523SIR TOBY BELCHGood, good.
29623CLOWN[Sings] What is love? 'tis not hereafter; Present mirth hath present laughter; What's to come is still unsure: In delay there lies no plenty; Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty, Youth's a stuff will not endure.
29723SIR ANDREWA mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.
29823SIR TOBY BELCHA contagious breath.
29923SIR ANDREWVery sweet and contagious, i' faith.
30023SIR TOBY BELCHTo hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion. But shall we make the welkin dance indeed? shall we rouse the night-owl in a catch that will draw three souls out of one weaver? shall we do that?
30123SIR ANDREWAn you love me, let's do't: I am dog at a catch.
30223CLOWNBy'r lady, sir, and some dogs will catch well.
30323SIR ANDREWMost certain. Let our catch be, 'Thou knave.'
30423CLOWN'Hold thy peace, thou knave,' knight? I shall be constrained in't to call thee knave, knight.
30523SIR ANDREW'Tis not the first time I have constrained one to call me knave. Begin, fool: it begins 'Hold thy peace.'
30623CLOWNI shall never begin if I hold my peace.
30723SIR ANDREWGood, i' faith. Come, begin.
308(stage directions)23[Catch sung]
309(stage directions)23[Enter MARIA]
31023MARIAWhat a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady have not called up her steward Malvolio and bid him turn you out of doors, never trust me.
31123SIR TOBY BELCHMy lady's a Cataian, we are politicians, Malvolio's a Peg-a-Ramsey, and 'Three merry men be we.' Am not I consanguineous? am I not of her blood? Tillyvally. Lady! [Sings] 'There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady!'
31223CLOWNBeshrew me, the knight's in admirable fooling.
31323SIR ANDREWAy, he does well enough if he be disposed, and so do I too: he does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
31423SIR TOBY BELCH[Sings] 'O, the twelfth day of December,'--
31523MARIAFor the love o' God, peace!
316(stage directions)23[Enter MALVOLIO]
31723MALVOLIOMy masters, are you mad? or what are you? Have ye no wit, manners, nor honesty, but to gabble like tinkers at this time of night? Do ye make an alehouse of my lady's house, that ye squeak out your coziers' catches without any mitigation or remorse of voice? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor time in you?
31823SIR TOBY BELCHWe did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up!
31923MALVOLIOSir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me tell you, that, though she harbours you as her kinsman, she's nothing allied to your disorders. If you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors, you are welcome to the house; if not, an it would please you to take leave of her, she is very willing to bid you farewell.
32023SIR TOBY BELCH'Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.'
32123MARIANay, good Sir Toby.
32223CLOWN'His eyes do show his days are almost done.'
32323MALVOLIOIs't even so?
32423SIR TOBY BELCH'But I will never die.'
32523CLOWNSir Toby, there you lie.
32623MALVOLIOThis is much credit to you.
32723SIR TOBY BELCH'Shall I bid him go?'
32823CLOWN'What an if you do?'
32923SIR TOBY BELCH'Shall I bid him go, and spare not?'
33023CLOWN'O no, no, no, no, you dare not.'
33123SIR TOBY BELCHOut o' tune, sir: ye lie. Art any more than a steward? Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?
33223CLOWNYes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot i' the mouth too.
33323SIR TOBY BELCHThou'rt i' the right. Go, sir, rub your chain with crumbs. A stoup of wine, Maria!
33423MALVOLIOMistress Mary, if you prized my lady's favour at any thing more than contempt, you would not give means for this uncivil rule: she shall know of it, by this hand.
335(stage directions)23[Exit]
33623MARIAGo shake your ears.
33723SIR ANDREW'Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man's a-hungry, to challenge him the field, and then to break promise with him and make a fool of him.
33823SIR TOBY BELCHDo't, knight: I'll write thee a challenge: or I'll deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.
33923MARIASweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight: since the youth of the count's was today with thy lady, she is much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me alone with him: if I do not gull him into a nayword, and make him a common recreation, do not think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed: I know I can do it.
34023SIR TOBY BELCHPossess us, possess us; tell us something of him.
34123MARIAMarry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.
34223SIR ANDREWO, if I thought that I'ld beat him like a dog!
34323SIR TOBY BELCHWhat, for being a puritan? thy exquisite reason, dear knight?
34423SIR ANDREWI have no exquisite reason for't, but I have reason good enough.
34523MARIAThe devil a puritan that he is, or any thing constantly, but a time-pleaser; an affectioned ass, that cons state without book and utters it by great swarths: the best persuaded of himself, so crammed, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is his grounds of faith that all that look on him love him; and on that vice in him will my revenge find notable cause to work.
34623SIR TOBY BELCHWhat wilt thou do?
34723MARIAI will drop in his way some obscure epistles of love; wherein, by the colour of his beard, the shape of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure of his eye, forehead, and complexion, he shall find himself most feelingly personated. I can write very like my lady your niece: on a forgotten matter we can hardly make distinction of our hands.
34823SIR TOBY BELCHExcellent! I smell a device.
34923SIR ANDREWI have't in my nose too.
35023SIR TOBY BELCHHe shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop, that they come from my niece, and that she's in love with him.
35123MARIAMy purpose is, indeed, a horse of that colour.
35223SIR ANDREWAnd your horse now would make him an ass.
35323MARIAAss, I doubt not.
35423SIR ANDREWO, 'twill be admirable!
35523MARIASport royal, I warrant you: I know my physic will work with him. I will plant you two, and let the fool make a third, where he shall find the letter: observe his construction of it. For this night, to bed, and dream on the event. Farewell.
356(stage directions)23[Exit]
35723SIR TOBY BELCHGood night, Penthesilea.
35823SIR ANDREWBefore me, she's a good wench.
35923SIR TOBY BELCHShe's a beagle, true-bred, and one that adores me: what o' that?
36023SIR ANDREWI was adored once too.
36123SIR TOBY BELCHLet's to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for more money.
36223SIR ANDREWIf I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.
36323SIR TOBY BELCHSend for money, knight: if thou hast her not i' the end, call me cut.
36423SIR ANDREWIf I do not, never trust me, take it how you will.
36523SIR TOBY BELCHCome, come, I'll go burn some sack; 'tis too late to go to bed now: come, knight; come, knight.
366(stage directions)23[Exeunt]
367(stage directions)24[Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, CURIO, and others]
36824DUKE ORSINOGive me some music. Now, good morrow, friends. Now, good Cesario, but that piece of song, That old and antique song we heard last night: Methought it did relieve my passion much, More than light airs and recollected terms Of these most brisk and giddy-paced times: Come, but one verse.
36924CURIOHe is not here, so please your lordship that should sing it.
37024DUKE ORSINOWho was it?
37124CURIOFeste, the jester, my lord; a fool that the lady Olivia's father took much delight in. He is about the house.
37224DUKE ORSINOSeek him out, and play the tune the while. [Exit CURIO. Music plays] Come hither, boy: if ever thou shalt love, In the sweet pangs of it remember me; For such as I am all true lovers are, Unstaid and skittish in all motions else, Save in the constant image of the creature That is beloved. How dost thou like this tune?
37324VIOLAIt gives a very echo to the seat Where Love is throned.
37424DUKE ORSINOThou dost speak masterly: My life upon't, young though thou art, thine eye Hath stay'd upon some favour that it loves: Hath it not, boy?
37524VIOLAA little, by your favour.
37624DUKE ORSINOWhat kind of woman is't?
37724VIOLAOf your complexion.
37824DUKE ORSINOShe is not worth thee, then. What years, i' faith?
37924VIOLAAbout your years, my lord.
38024DUKE ORSINOToo old by heaven: let still the woman take An elder than herself: so wears she to him, So sways she level in her husband's heart: For, boy, however we do praise ourselves, Our fancies are more giddy and unfirm, More longing, wavering, sooner lost and worn, Than women's are.
38124VIOLAI think it well, my lord.
38224DUKE ORSINOThen let thy love be younger than thyself, Or thy affection cannot hold the bent; For women are as roses, whose fair flower Being once display'd, doth fall that very hour.
38324VIOLAAnd so they are: alas, that they are so; To die, even when they to perfection grow!
384(stage directions)24[Re-enter CURIO and Clown]
38524DUKE ORSINOO, fellow, come, the song we had last night. Mark it, Cesario, it is old and plain; The spinsters and the knitters in the sun And the free maids that weave their thread with bones Do use to chant it: it is silly sooth, And dallies with the innocence of love, Like the old age.
38624CLOWNAre you ready, sir?
38724DUKE ORSINOAy; prithee, sing. [Music] SONG.
38824CLOWNCome away, come away, death, And in sad cypress let me be laid; Fly away, fly away breath; I am slain by a fair cruel maid. My shroud of white, stuck all with yew, O, prepare it! My part of death, no one so true Did share it. Not a flower, not a flower sweet On my black coffin let there be strown; Not a friend, not a friend greet My poor corpse, where my bones shall be thrown: A thousand thousand sighs to save, Lay me, O, where Sad true lover never find my grave, To weep there!
38924DUKE ORSINOThere's for thy pains.
39024CLOWNNo pains, sir: I take pleasure in singing, sir.
39124DUKE ORSINOI'll pay thy pleasure then.
39224CLOWNTruly, sir, and pleasure will be paid, one time or another.
39324DUKE ORSINOGive me now leave to leave thee.
39424CLOWNNow, the melancholy god protect thee; and the tailor make thy doublet of changeable taffeta, for thy mind is a very opal. I would have men of such constancy put to sea, that their business might be every thing and their intent every where; for that's it that always makes a good voyage of nothing. Farewell.
395(stage directions)24[Exit]
39624DUKE ORSINOLet all the rest give place. [CURIO and Attendants retire] Once more, Cesario, Get thee to yond same sovereign cruelty: Tell her, my love, more noble than the world, Prizes not quantity of dirty lands; The parts that fortune hath bestow'd upon her, Tell her, I hold as giddily as fortune; But 'tis that miracle and queen of gems That nature pranks her in attracts my soul.
39724VIOLABut if she cannot love you, sir?
39824DUKE ORSINOI cannot be so answer'd.
39924VIOLASooth, but you must. Say that some lady, as perhaps there is, Hath for your love a great a pang of heart As you have for Olivia: you cannot love her; You tell her so; must she not then be answer'd?
40024DUKE ORSINOThere is no woman's sides Can bide the beating of so strong a passion As love doth give my heart; no woman's heart So big, to hold so much; they lack retention Alas, their love may be call'd appetite, No motion of the liver, but the palate, That suffer surfeit, cloyment and revolt; But mine is all as hungry as the sea, And can digest as much: make no compare Between that love a woman can bear me And that I owe Olivia.
40124VIOLAAy, but I know--
40224DUKE ORSINOWhat dost thou know?
40324VIOLAToo well what love women to men may owe: In faith, they are as true of heart as we. My father had a daughter loved a man, As it might be, perhaps, were I a woman, I should your lordship.
40424DUKE ORSINOAnd what's her history?
40524VIOLAA blank, my lord. She never told her love, But let concealment, like a worm i' the bud, Feed on her damask cheek: she pined in thought, And with a green and yellow melancholy She sat like patience on a monument, Smiling at grief. Was not this love indeed? We men may say more, swear more: but indeed Our shows are more than will; for still we prove Much in our vows, but little in our love.
40624DUKE ORSINOBut died thy sister of her love, my boy?
40724VIOLAI am all the daughters of my father's house, And all the brothers too: and yet I know not. Sir, shall I to this lady?
40824DUKE ORSINOAy, that's the theme. To her in haste; give her this jewel; say, My love can give no place, bide no denay.
409(stage directions)24[Exeunt]
410(stage directions)25[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN]
41125SIR TOBY BELCHCome thy ways, Signior Fabian.
41225FABIANNay, I'll come: if I lose a scruple of this sport, let me be boiled to death with melancholy.
41325SIR TOBY BELCHWouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame?
41425FABIANI would exult, man: you know, he brought me out o' favour with my lady about a bear-baiting here.
41525SIR TOBY BELCHTo anger him we'll have the bear again; and we will fool him black and blue: shall we not, Sir Andrew?
41625SIR ANDREWAn we do not, it is pity of our lives.
41725SIR TOBY BELCHHere comes the little villain. [Enter MARIA] How now, my metal of India!
41825MARIAGet ye all three into the box-tree: Malvolio's coming down this walk: he has been yonder i' the sun practising behavior to his own shadow this half hour: observe him, for the love of mockery; for I know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of him. Close, in the name of jesting! Lie thou there, [Throws down a letter] for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.
419(stage directions)25[Exit]
420(stage directions)25[Enter MALVOLIO]
42125MALVOLIO'Tis but fortune; all is fortune. Maria once told me she did affect me: and I have heard herself come thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one of my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a more exalted respect than any one else that follows her. What should I think on't?
42225SIR TOBY BELCHHere's an overweening rogue!
42325FABIANO, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock of him: how he jets under his advanced plumes!
42425SIR ANDREW'Slight, I could so beat the rogue!
42525SIR TOBY BELCHPeace, I say.
42625MALVOLIOTo be Count Malvolio!
42725SIR TOBY BELCHAh, rogue!
42825SIR ANDREWPistol him, pistol him.
42925SIR TOBY BELCHPeace, peace!
43025MALVOLIOThere is example for't; the lady of the Strachy married the yeoman of the wardrobe.
43125SIR ANDREWFie on him, Jezebel!
43225FABIANO, peace! now he's deeply in: look how imagination blows him.
43325MALVOLIOHaving been three months married to her, sitting in my state,--
43425SIR TOBY BELCHO, for a stone-bow, to hit him in the eye!
43525MALVOLIOCalling my officers about me, in my branched velvet gown; having come from a day-bed, where I have left Olivia sleeping,--
43625SIR TOBY BELCHFire and brimstone!
43725FABIANO, peace, peace!
43825MALVOLIOAnd then to have the humour of state; and after a demure travel of regard, telling them I know my place as I would they should do theirs, to for my kinsman Toby,--
43925SIR TOBY BELCHBolts and shackles!
44025FABIANO peace, peace, peace! now, now.
44125MALVOLIOSeven of my people, with an obedient start, make out for him: I frown the while; and perchance wind up watch, or play with my--some rich jewel. Toby approaches; courtesies there to me,--
44225SIR TOBY BELCHShall this fellow live?
44325FABIANThough our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace.
44425MALVOLIOI extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar smile with an austere regard of control,--
44525SIR TOBY BELCHAnd does not Toby take you a blow o' the lips then?
44625MALVOLIOSaying, 'Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast me on your niece give me this prerogative of speech,'--
44725SIR TOBY BELCHWhat, what?
44825MALVOLIO'You must amend your drunkenness.'
44925SIR TOBY BELCHOut, scab!
45025FABIANNay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot.
45125MALVOLIO'Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with a foolish knight,'--
45225SIR ANDREWThat's me, I warrant you.
45325MALVOLIO'One Sir Andrew,'--
45425SIR ANDREWI knew 'twas I; for many do call me fool.
45525MALVOLIOWhat employment have we here?
456(stage directions)25[Taking up the letter]
45725FABIANNow is the woodcock near the gin.
45825SIR TOBY BELCHO, peace! and the spirit of humour intimate reading aloud to him!
45925MALVOLIOBy my life, this is my lady's hand these be her very C's, her U's and her T's and thus makes she her great P's. It is, in contempt of question, her hand.
46025SIR ANDREWHer C's, her U's and her T's: why that?
46125MALVOLIO[Reads] 'To the unknown beloved, this, and my good wishes:'--her very phrases! By your leave, wax. Soft! and the impressure her Lucrece, with which she uses to seal: 'tis my lady. To whom should this be?
46225FABIANThis wins him, liver and all.
46325MALVOLIO[Reads] Jove knows I love: But who? Lips, do not move; No man must know. 'No man must know.' What follows? the numbers altered! 'No man must know:' if this should be thee, Malvolio?
46425SIR TOBY BELCHMarry, hang thee, brock!
46525MALVOLIO[Reads] I may command where I adore; But silence, like a Lucrece knife, With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore: M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.
46625FABIANA fustian riddle!
46725SIR TOBY BELCHExcellent wench, say I.
46825MALVOLIO'M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.' Nay, but first, let me see, let me see, let me see.
46925FABIANWhat dish o' poison has she dressed him!
47025SIR TOBY BELCHAnd with what wing the staniel cheques at it!
47125MALVOLIO'I may command where I adore.' Why, she may command me: I serve her; she is my lady. Why, this is evident to any formal capacity; there is no obstruction in this: and the end,--what should that alphabetical position portend? If I could make that resemble something in me,--Softly! M, O, A, I,--
47225SIR TOBY BELCHO, ay, make up that: he is now at a cold scent.
47325FABIANSowter will cry upon't for all this, though it be as rank as a fox.
47425MALVOLIOM,--Malvolio; M,--why, that begins my name.
47525FABIANDid not I say he would work it out? the cur is excellent at faults.
47625MALVOLIOM,--but then there is no consonancy in the sequel; that suffers under probation A should follow but O does.
47725FABIANAnd O shall end, I hope.
47825SIR TOBY BELCHAy, or I'll cudgel him, and make him cry O!
47925MALVOLIOAnd then I comes behind.
48025FABIANAy, an you had any eye behind you, you might see more detraction at your heels than fortunes before you.
48125MALVOLIOM, O, A, I; this simulation is not as the former: and yet, to crush this a little, it would bow to me, for every one of these letters are in my name. Soft! here follows prose. [Reads] 'If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I am above thee; but be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em. Thy Fates open their hands; let thy blood and spirit embrace them; and, to inure thyself to what thou art like to be, cast thy humble slough and appear fresh. Be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants; let thy tongue tang arguments of state; put thyself into the trick of singularity: she thus advises thee that sighs for thee. Remember who commended thy yellow stockings, and wished to see thee ever cross-gartered: I say, remember. Go to, thou art made, if thou desirest to be so; if not, let me see thee a steward still, the fellow of servants, and not worthy to touch Fortune's fingers. Farewell. She that would alter services with thee, THE FORTUNATE-UNHAPPY.' Daylight and champaign discovers not more: this is open. I will be proud, I will read politic authors, I will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash off gross acquaintance, I will be point-devise the very man. I do not now fool myself, to let imagination jade me; for every reason excites to this, that my lady loves me. She did commend my yellow stockings of late, she did praise my leg being cross-gartered; and in this she manifests herself to my love, and with a kind of injunction drives me to these habits of her liking. I thank my stars I am happy. I will be strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and cross-gartered, even with the swiftness of putting on. Jove and my stars be praised! Here is yet a postscript. [Reads] 'Thou canst not choose but know who I am. If thou entertainest my love, let it appear in thy smiling; thy smiles become thee well; therefore in my presence still smile, dear my sweet, I prithee.' Jove, I thank thee: I will smile; I will do everything that thou wilt have me.
482(stage directions)25[Exit]
48325FABIANI will not give my part of this sport for a pension of thousands to be paid from the Sophy.
48425SIR TOBY BELCHI could marry this wench for this device.
48525SIR ANDREWSo could I too.
48625SIR TOBY BELCHAnd ask no other dowry with her but such another jest.
48725SIR ANDREWNor I neither.
48825FABIANHere comes my noble gull-catcher.
489(stage directions)25[Re-enter MARIA]
49025SIR TOBY BELCHWilt thou set thy foot o' my neck?
49125SIR ANDREWOr o' mine either?
49225SIR TOBY BELCHShall I play my freedom at traytrip, and become thy bond-slave?
49325SIR ANDREWI' faith, or I either?
49425SIR TOBY BELCHWhy, thou hast put him in such a dream, that when the image of it leaves him he must run mad.
49525MARIANay, but say true; does it work upon him?
49625SIR TOBY BELCHLike aqua-vitae with a midwife.
49725MARIAIf you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark his first approach before my lady: he will come to her in yellow stockings, and 'tis a colour she abhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests; and he will smile upon her, which will now be so unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted to a melancholy as she is, that it cannot but turn him into a notable contempt. If you will see it, follow me.
49825SIR TOBY BELCHTo the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit!
49925SIR ANDREWI'll make one too.
500(stage directions)25[Exeunt]
501(stage directions)31[Enter VIOLA, and Clown with a tabour]
50231VIOLASave thee, friend, and thy music: dost thou live by thy tabour?
50331CLOWNNo, sir, I live by the church.
50431VIOLAArt thou a churchman?
50531CLOWNNo such matter, sir: I do live by the church; for I do live at my house, and my house doth stand by the church.
50631VIOLASo thou mayst say, the king lies by a beggar, if a beggar dwell near him; or, the church stands by thy tabour, if thy tabour stand by the church.
50731CLOWNYou have said, sir. To see this age! A sentence is but a cheveril glove to a good wit: how quickly the wrong side may be turned outward!
50831VIOLANay, that's certain; they that dally nicely with words may quickly make them wanton.
50931CLOWNI would, therefore, my sister had had no name, sir.
51031VIOLAWhy, man?
51131CLOWNWhy, sir, her name's a word; and to dally with that word might make my sister wanton. But indeed words are very rascals since bonds disgraced them.
51231VIOLAThy reason, man?
51331CLOWNTroth, sir, I can yield you none without words; and words are grown so false, I am loath to prove reason with them.
51431VIOLAI warrant thou art a merry fellow and carest for nothing.
51531CLOWNNot so, sir, I do care for something; but in my conscience, sir, I do not care for you: if that be to care for nothing, sir, I would it would make you invisible.
51631VIOLAArt not thou the Lady Olivia's fool?
51731CLOWNNo, indeed, sir; the Lady Olivia has no folly: she will keep no fool, sir, till she be married; and fools are as like husbands as pilchards are to herrings; the husband's the bigger: I am indeed not her fool, but her corrupter of words.
51831VIOLAI saw thee late at the Count Orsino's.
51931CLOWNFoolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun, it shines every where. I would be sorry, sir, but the fool should be as oft with your master as with my mistress: I think I saw your wisdom there.
52031VIOLANay, an thou pass upon me, I'll no more with thee. Hold, there's expenses for thee.
52131CLOWNNow Jove, in his next commodity of hair, send thee a beard!
52231VIOLABy my troth, I'll tell thee, I am almost sick for one; [Aside] though I would not have it grow on my chin. Is thy lady within?
52331CLOWNWould not a pair of these have bred, sir?
52431VIOLAYes, being kept together and put to use.
52531CLOWNI would play Lord Pandarus of Phrygia, sir, to bring a Cressida to this Troilus.
52631VIOLAI understand you, sir; 'tis well begged.
52731CLOWNThe matter, I hope, is not great, sir, begging but a beggar: Cressida was a beggar. My lady is within, sir. I will construe to them whence you come; who you are and what you would are out of my welkin, I might say 'element,' but the word is over-worn.
528(stage directions)31[Exit]
52931VIOLAThis fellow is wise enough to play the fool; And to do that well craves a kind of wit: He must observe their mood on whom he jests, The quality of persons, and the time, And, like the haggard, cheque at every feather That comes before his eye. This is a practise As full of labour as a wise man's art For folly that he wisely shows is fit; But wise men, folly-fall'n, quite taint their wit.
530(stage directions)31[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, and SIR ANDREW]
53131SIR TOBY BELCHSave you, gentleman.
53231VIOLAAnd you, sir.
53331SIR ANDREWDieu vous garde, monsieur.
53431VIOLAEt vous aussi; votre serviteur.
53531SIR ANDREWI hope, sir, you are; and I am yours.
53631SIR TOBY BELCHWill you encounter the house? my niece is desirous you should enter, if your trade be to her.
53731VIOLAI am bound to your niece, sir; I mean, she is the list of my voyage.
53831SIR TOBY BELCHTaste your legs, sir; put them to motion.
53931VIOLAMy legs do better understand me, sir, than I understand what you mean by bidding me taste my legs.
54031SIR TOBY BELCHI mean, to go, sir, to enter.
54131VIOLAI will answer you with gait and entrance. But we are prevented. [Enter OLIVIA and MARIA] Most excellent accomplished lady, the heavens rain odours on you!
54231SIR ANDREWThat youth's a rare courtier: 'Rain odours;' well.
54331VIOLAMy matter hath no voice, to your own most pregnant and vouchsafed ear.
54431SIR ANDREW'Odours,' 'pregnant' and 'vouchsafed:' I'll get 'em all three all ready.
54531OLIVIALet the garden door be shut, and leave me to my hearing. [Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and MARIA] Give me your hand, sir.
54631VIOLAMy duty, madam, and most humble service.
54731OLIVIAWhat is your name?
54831VIOLACesario is your servant's name, fair princess.
54931OLIVIAMy servant, sir! 'Twas never merry world Since lowly feigning was call'd compliment: You're servant to the Count Orsino, youth.
55031VIOLAAnd he is yours, and his must needs be yours: Your servant's servant is your servant, madam.
55131OLIVIAFor him, I think not on him: for his thoughts, Would they were blanks, rather than fill'd with me!
55231VIOLAMadam, I come to whet your gentle thoughts On his behalf.
55331OLIVIAO, by your leave, I pray you, I bade you never speak again of him: But, would you undertake another suit, I had rather hear you to solicit that Than music from the spheres.
55431VIOLADear lady,--
55531OLIVIAGive me leave, beseech you. I did send, After the last enchantment you did here, A ring in chase of you: so did I abuse Myself, my servant and, I fear me, you: Under your hard construction must I sit,To force that on you, in a shameful cunning, Which you knew none of yours: what might you think? Have you not set mine honour at the stake And baited it with all the unmuzzled thoughts That tyrannous heart can think? To one of your receiving Enough is shown: a cypress, not a bosom, Hideth my heart. So, let me hear you speak.
55631VIOLAI pity you.
55731OLIVIAThat's a degree to love.
55831VIOLANo, not a grize; for 'tis a vulgar proof, That very oft we pity enemies.
55931OLIVIAWhy, then, methinks 'tis time to smile again. O, world, how apt the poor are to be proud! If one should be a prey, how much the better To fall before the lion than the wolf! [Clock strikes] The clock upbraids me with the waste of time. Be not afraid, good youth, I will not have you: And yet, when wit and youth is come to harvest, Your were is alike to reap a proper man: There lies your way, due west.
56031VIOLAThen westward-ho! Grace and good disposition Attend your ladyship! You'll nothing, madam, to my lord by me?
56131OLIVIAStay: I prithee, tell me what thou thinkest of me.
56231VIOLAThat you do think you are not what you are.
56331OLIVIAIf I think so, I think the same of you.
56431VIOLAThen think you right: I am not what I am.
56531OLIVIAI would you were as I would have you be!
56631VIOLAWould it be better, madam, than I am? I wish it might, for now I am your fool.
56731OLIVIAO, what a deal of scorn looks beautiful In the contempt and anger of his lip! A murderous guilt shows not itself more soon Than love that would seem hid: love's night is noon. Cesario, by the roses of the spring, By maidhood, honour, truth and every thing, I love thee so, that, maugre all thy pride, Nor wit nor reason can my passion hide. Do not extort thy reasons from this clause, For that I woo, thou therefore hast no cause, But rather reason thus with reason fetter, Love sought is good, but given unsought better.
56831VIOLABy innocence I swear, and by my youth I have one heart, one bosom and one truth, And that no woman has; nor never none Shall mistress be of it, save I alone. And so adieu, good madam: never more Will I my master's tears to you deplore.
56931OLIVIAYet come again; for thou perhaps mayst move That heart, which now abhors, to like his love.
570(stage directions)31[Exeunt]
571(stage directions)32[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN]
57232SIR ANDREWNo, faith, I'll not stay a jot longer.
57332SIR TOBY BELCHThy reason, dear venom, give thy reason.
57432FABIANYou must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.
57532SIR ANDREWMarry, I saw your niece do more favours to the count's serving-man than ever she bestowed upon me; I saw't i' the orchard.
57632SIR TOBY BELCHDid she see thee the while, old boy? tell me that.
57732SIR ANDREWAs plain as I see you now.
57832FABIANThis was a great argument of love in her toward you.
57932SIR ANDREW'Slight, will you make an ass o' me?
58032FABIANI will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of judgment and reason.
58132SIR TOBY BELCHAnd they have been grand-jury-men since before Noah was a sailor.
58232FABIANShe did show favour to the youth in your sight only to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver. You should then have accosted her; and with some excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should have banged the youth into dumbness. This was looked for at your hand, and this was balked: the double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash off, and you are now sailed into the north of my lady's opinion; where you will hang like an icicle on a Dutchman's beard, unless you do redeem it by some laudable attempt either of valour or policy.
58332SIR ANDREWAn't be any way, it must be with valour; for policy I hate: I had as lief be a Brownist as a politician.
58432SIR TOBY BELCHWhy, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of valour. Challenge me the count's youth to fight with him; hurt him in eleven places: my niece shall take note of it; and assure thyself, there is no love-broker in the world can more prevail in man's commendation with woman than report of valour.
58532FABIANThere is no way but this, Sir Andrew.
58632SIR ANDREWWill either of you bear me a challenge to him?
58732SIR TOBY BELCHGo, write it in a martial hand; be curst and brief; it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and fun of invention: taunt him with the licence of ink: if thou thou'st him some thrice, it shall not be amiss; and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of paper, although the sheet were big enough for the bed of Ware in England, set 'em down: go, about it. Let there be gall enough in thy ink, though thou write with a goose-pen, no matter: about it.
58832SIR ANDREWWhere shall I find you?
58932SIR TOBY BELCHWe'll call thee at the cubiculo: go.
590(stage directions)32[Exit SIR ANDREW]
59132FABIANThis is a dear manikin to you, Sir Toby.
59232SIR TOBY BELCHI have been dear to him, lad, some two thousand strong, or so.
59332FABIANWe shall have a rare letter from him: but you'll not deliver't?
59432SIR TOBY BELCHNever trust me, then; and by all means stir on the youth to an answer. I think oxen and wainropes cannot hale them together. For Andrew, if he were opened, and you find so much blood in his liver as will clog the foot of a flea, I'll eat the rest of the anatomy.
59532FABIANAnd his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no great presage of cruelty.
596(stage directions)32[Enter MARIA]
59732SIR TOBY BELCHLook, where the youngest wren of nine comes.
59832MARIAIf you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourself into stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio is turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no Christian, that means to be saved by believing rightly, can ever believe such impossible passages of grossness. He's in yellow stockings.
59932SIR TOBY BELCHAnd cross-gartered?
60032MARIAMost villanously; like a pedant that keeps a school i' the church. I have dogged him, like his murderer. He does obey every point of the letter that I dropped to betray him: he does smile his face into more lines than is in the new map with the augmentation of the Indies: you have not seen such a thing as 'tis. I can hardly forbear hurling things at him. I know my lady will strike him: if she do, he'll smile and take't for a great favour.
60132SIR TOBY BELCHCome, bring us, bring us where he is.
602(stage directions)32[Exeunt]
603(stage directions)33[Enter SEBASTIAN and ANTONIO]
60433SEBASTIANI would not by my will have troubled you; But, since you make your pleasure of your pains, I will no further chide you.
60533ANTONIOI could not stay behind you: my desire, More sharp than filed steel, did spur me forth; And not all love to see you, though so much As might have drawn one to a longer voyage, But jealousy what might befall your travel, Being skilless in these parts; which to a stranger, Unguided and unfriended, often prove Rough and unhospitable: my willing love, The rather by these arguments of fear, Set forth in your pursuit.
60633SEBASTIANMy kind Antonio, I can no other answer make but thanks, And thanks; and ever thanks; and oft good turns Are shuffled off with such uncurrent pay: But, were my worth as is my conscience firm, You should find better dealing. What's to do? Shall we go see the reliques of this town?
60733ANTONIOTo-morrow, sir: best first go see your lodging.
60833SEBASTIANI am not weary, and 'tis long to night: I pray you, let us satisfy our eyes With the memorials and the things of fame That do renown this city.
60933ANTONIOWould you'ld pardon me; I do not without danger walk these streets: Once, in a sea-fight, 'gainst the count his galleys I did some service; of such note indeed, That were I ta'en here it would scarce be answer'd.
61033SEBASTIANBelike you slew great number of his people.
61133ANTONIOThe offence is not of such a bloody nature; Albeit the quality of the time and quarrel Might well have given us bloody argument. It might have since been answer'd in repaying What we took from them; which, for traffic's sake, Most of our city did: only myself stood out; For which, if I be lapsed in this place, I shall pay dear.
61233SEBASTIANDo not then walk too open.
61333ANTONIOIt doth not fit me. Hold, sir, here's my purse. In the south suburbs, at the Elephant, Is best to lodge: I will bespeak our diet, Whiles you beguile the time and feed your knowledge With viewing of the town: there shall you have me.
61433SEBASTIANWhy I your purse?
61533ANTONIOHaply your eye shall light upon some toy You have desire to purchase; and your store, I think, is not for idle markets, sir.
61633SEBASTIANI'll be your purse-bearer and leave you For an hour.
61733ANTONIOTo the Elephant.
61833SEBASTIANI do remember.
619(stage directions)33[Exeunt]
620(stage directions)34[Enter OLIVIA and MARIA]
62134OLIVIAI have sent after him: he says he'll come; How shall I feast him? what bestow of him? For youth is bought more oft than begg'd or borrow'd. I speak too loud. Where is Malvolio? he is sad and civil, And suits well for a servant with my fortunes: Where is Malvolio?
62234MARIAHe's coming, madam; but in very strange manner. He is, sure, possessed, madam.
62334OLIVIAWhy, what's the matter? does he rave?
62434MARIANo. madam, he does nothing but smile: your ladyship were best to have some guard about you, if he come; for, sure, the man is tainted in's wits.
62534OLIVIAGo call him hither. [Exit MARIA] I am as mad as he, If sad and merry madness equal be. [Re-enter MARIA, with MALVOLIO] How now, Malvolio!
62634MALVOLIOSweet lady, ho, ho.
62734OLIVIASmilest thou? I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.
62834MALVOLIOSad, lady! I could be sad: this does make some obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering; but what of that? if it please the eye of one, it is with me as the very true sonnet is, 'Please one, and please all.'
62934OLIVIAWhy, how dost thou, man? what is the matter with thee?
63034MALVOLIONot black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It did come to his hands, and commands shall be executed: I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.
63134OLIVIAWilt thou go to bed, Malvolio?
63234MALVOLIOTo bed! ay, sweet-heart, and I'll come to thee.
63334OLIVIAGod comfort thee! Why dost thou smile so and kiss thy hand so oft?
63434MARIAHow do you, Malvolio?
63534MALVOLIOAt your request! yes; nightingales answer daws.
63634MARIAWhy appear you with this ridiculous boldness before my lady?
63734MALVOLIO'Be not afraid of greatness:' 'twas well writ.
63834OLIVIAWhat meanest thou by that, Malvolio?
63934MALVOLIO'Some are born great,'--
64034OLIVIAHa!
64134MALVOLIO'Some achieve greatness,'--
64234OLIVIAWhat sayest thou?
64334MALVOLIO'And some have greatness thrust upon them.'
64434OLIVIAHeaven restore thee!
64534MALVOLIO'Remember who commended thy yellow stockings,'--
64634OLIVIAThy yellow stockings!
64734MALVOLIO'And wished to see thee cross-gartered.'
64834OLIVIACross-gartered!
64934MALVOLIO'Go to thou art made, if thou desirest to be so;'--
65034OLIVIAAm I made?
65134MALVOLIO'If not, let me see thee a servant still.'
65234OLIVIAWhy, this is very midsummer madness.
653(stage directions)34[Enter Servant]
65434SERVANTMadam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino's is returned: I could hardly entreat him back: he attends your ladyship's pleasure.
65534OLIVIAI'll come to him. [Exit Servant] Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where's my cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special care of him: I would not have him miscarry for the half of my dowry.
656(stage directions)34[Exeunt OLIVIA and MARIA]
65734MALVOLIOO, ho! do you come near me now? no worse man than Sir Toby to look to me! This concurs directly with the letter: she sends him on purpose, that I may appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to that in the letter. 'Cast thy humble slough,' says she; 'be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants; let thy tongue tang with arguments of state; put thyself into the trick of singularity;' and consequently sets down the manner how; as, a sad face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the habit of some sir of note, and so forth. I have limed her; but it is Jove's doing, and Jove make me thankful! And when she went away now, 'Let this fellow be looked to:' fellow! not Malvolio, nor after my degree, but fellow. Why, every thing adheres together, that no dram of a scruple, no scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous or unsafe circumstance--What can be said? Nothing that can be can come between me and the full prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the doer of this, and he is to be thanked.
658(stage directions)34[Re-enter MARIA, with SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN]
65934SIR TOBY BELCHWhich way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion himself possessed him, yet I'll speak to him.
66034FABIANHere he is, here he is. How is't with you, sir? how is't with you, man?
66134MALVOLIOGo off; I discard you: let me enjoy my private: go off.
66234MARIALo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! did not I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a care of him.
66334MALVOLIOAh, ha! does she so?
66434SIR TOBY BELCHGo to, go to; peace, peace; we must deal gently with him: let me alone. How do you, Malvolio? how is't with you? What, man! defy the devil: consider, he's an enemy to mankind.
66534MALVOLIODo you know what you say?
66634MARIALa you, an you speak ill of the devil, how he takes it at heart! Pray God, he be not bewitched!
66734FABIANCarry his water to the wise woman.
66834MARIAMarry, and it shall be done to-morrow morning, if I live. My lady would not lose him for more than I'll say.
66934MALVOLIOHow now, mistress!
67034MARIAO Lord!
67134SIR TOBY BELCHPrithee, hold thy peace; this is not the way: do you not see you move him? let me alone with him.
67234FABIANNo way but gentleness; gently, gently: the fiend is rough, and will not be roughly used.
67334SIR TOBY BELCHWhy, how now, my bawcock! how dost thou, chuck?
67434MALVOLIOSir!
67534SIR TOBY BELCHAy, Biddy, come with me. What, man! 'tis not for gravity to play at cherry-pit with Satan: hang him, foul collier!
67634MARIAGet him to say his prayers, good Sir Toby, get him to pray.
67734MALVOLIOMy prayers, minx!
67834MARIANo, I warrant you, he will not hear of godliness.
67934MALVOLIOGo, hang yourselves all! you are idle shallow things: I am not of your element: you shall know more hereafter.
680(stage directions)34[Exit]
68134SIR TOBY BELCHIs't possible?
68234FABIANIf this were played upon a stage now, I could condemn it as an improbable fiction.
68334SIR TOBY BELCHHis very genius hath taken the infection of the device, man.
68434MARIANay, pursue him now, lest the device take air and taint.
68534FABIANWhy, we shall make him mad indeed.
68634MARIAThe house will be the quieter.
68734SIR TOBY BELCHCome, we'll have him in a dark room and bound. My niece is already in the belief that he's mad: we may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance, till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt us to have mercy on him: at which time we will bring the device to the bar and crown thee for a finder of madmen. But see, but see.
688(stage directions)34[Enter SIR ANDREW]
68934FABIANMore matter for a May morning.
69034SIR ANDREWHere's the challenge, read it: warrant there's vinegar and pepper in't.
69134FABIANIs't so saucy?
69234SIR ANDREWAy, is't, I warrant him: do but read.
69334SIR TOBY BELCHGive me. [Reads] 'Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou art but a scurvy fellow.'
69434FABIANGood, and valiant.
69534SIR TOBY BELCH[Reads] 'Wonder not, nor admire not in thy mind, why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for't.'
69634FABIANA good note; that keeps you from the blow of the law.
69734SIR TOBY BELCH[Reads] 'Thou comest to the lady Olivia, and in my sight she uses thee kindly: but thou liest in thy throat; that is not the matter I challenge thee for.'
69834FABIANVery brief, and to exceeding good sense--less.
69934SIR TOBY BELCH[Reads] 'I will waylay thee going home; where if it be thy chance to kill me,'--
70034FABIANGood.
70134SIR TOBY BELCH[Reads] 'Thou killest me like a rogue and a villain.'
70234FABIANStill you keep o' the windy side of the law: good.
70334SIR TOBY BELCH[Reads] 'Fare thee well; and God have mercy upon one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine; but my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy, ANDREW AGUECHEEK. If this letter move him not, his legs cannot: I'll give't him.
70434MARIAYou may have very fit occasion for't: he is now in some commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart.
70534SIR TOBY BELCHGo, Sir Andrew: scout me for him at the corner the orchard like a bum-baily: so soon as ever thou seest him, draw; and, as thou drawest swear horrible; for it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood more approbation than ever proof itself would have earned him. Away!
70634SIR ANDREWNay, let me alone for swearing.
707(stage directions)34[Exit]
70834SIR TOBY BELCHNow will not I deliver his letter: for the behavior of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good capacity and breeding; his employment between his lord and my niece confirms no less: therefore this letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no terror in the youth: he will find it comes from a clodpole. But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by word of mouth; set upon Aguecheek a notable report of valour; and drive the gentleman, as I know his youth will aptly receive it, into a most hideous opinion of his rage, skill, fury and impetuosity. This will so fright them both that they will kill one another by the look, like cockatrices.
709(stage directions)34[Re-enter OLIVIA, with VIOLA]
71034FABIANHere he comes with your niece: give them way till he take leave, and presently after him.
71134SIR TOBY BELCHI will meditate the while upon some horrid message for a challenge.
712(stage directions)34[Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, FABIAN, and MARIA]
71334OLIVIAI have said too much unto a heart of stone And laid mine honour too unchary out: There's something in me that reproves my fault; But such a headstrong potent fault it is, That it but mocks reproof.
71434VIOLAWith the same 'havior that your passion bears Goes on my master's grief.
71534OLIVIAHere, wear this jewel for me, 'tis my picture; Refuse it not; it hath no tongue to vex you; And I beseech you come again to-morrow. What shall you ask of me that I'll deny, That honour saved may upon asking give?
71634VIOLANothing but this; your true love for my master.
71734OLIVIAHow with mine honour may I give him that Which I have given to you?
71834VIOLAI will acquit you.
71934OLIVIAWell, come again to-morrow: fare thee well: A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.
720(stage directions)34[Exit]
721(stage directions)34[Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN]
72234SIR TOBY BELCHGentleman, God save thee.
72334VIOLAAnd you, sir.
72434SIR TOBY BELCHThat defence thou hast, betake thee to't: of what nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know not; but thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as the hunter, attends thee at the orchard-end: dismount thy tuck, be yare in thy preparation, for thy assailant is quick, skilful and deadly.
72534VIOLAYou mistake, sir; I am sure no man hath any quarrel to me: my remembrance is very free and clear from any image of offence done to any man.
72634SIR TOBY BELCHYou'll find it otherwise, I assure you: therefore, if you hold your life at any price, betake you to your guard; for your opposite hath in him what youth, strength, skill and wrath can furnish man withal.
72734VIOLAI pray you, sir, what is he?
72834SIR TOBY BELCHHe is knight, dubbed with unhatched rapier and on carpet consideration; but he is a devil in private brawl: souls and bodies hath he divorced three; and his incensement at this moment is so implacable, that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death and sepulchre. Hob, nob, is his word; give't or take't.
72934VIOLAI will return again into the house and desire some conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on others, to taste their valour: belike this is a man of that quirk.
73034SIR TOBY BELCHSir, no; his indignation derives itself out of a very competent injury: therefore, get you on and give him his desire. Back you shall not to the house, unless you undertake that with me which with as much safety you might answer him: therefore, on, or strip your sword stark naked; for meddle you must, that's certain, or forswear to wear iron about you.
73134VIOLAThis is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me this courteous office, as to know of the knight what my offence to him is: it is something of my negligence, nothing of my purpose.
73234SIR TOBY BELCHI will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this gentleman till my return.
733(stage directions)34[Exit]
73434VIOLAPray you, sir, do you know of this matter?
73534FABIANI know the knight is incensed against you, even to a mortal arbitrement; but nothing of the circumstance more.
73634VIOLAI beseech you, what manner of man is he?
73734FABIANNothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by his form, as you are like to find him in the proof of his valour. He is, indeed, sir, the most skilful, bloody and fatal opposite that you could possibly have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk towards him? I will make your peace with him if I can.
73834VIOLAI shall be much bound to you for't: I am one that had rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I care not who knows so much of my mettle.
739(stage directions)34[Exeunt]
740(stage directions)34[Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH, with SIR ANDREW]
74134SIR TOBY BELCHWhy, man, he's a very devil; I have not seen such a firago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard and all, and he gives me the stuck in with such a mortal motion, that it is inevitable; and on the answer, he pays you as surely as your feet hit the ground they step on. They say he has been fencer to the Sophy.
74234SIR ANDREWPox on't, I'll not meddle with him.
74334SIR TOBY BELCHAy, but he will not now be pacified: Fabian can scarce hold him yonder.
74434SIR ANDREWPlague on't, an I thought he had been valiant and so cunning in fence, I'ld have seen him damned ere I'ld have challenged him. Let him let the matter slip, and I'll give him my horse, grey Capilet.
74534SIR TOBY BELCHI'll make the motion: stand here, make a good show on't: this shall end without the perdition of souls. [Aside] Marry, I'll ride your horse as well as I ride you. [Re-enter FABIAN and VIOLA] [To FABIAN] I have his horse to take up the quarrel: I have persuaded him the youth's a devil.
74634FABIANHe is as horribly conceited of him; and pants and looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.
74734SIR TOBY BELCH[To VIOLA] There's no remedy, sir; he will fight with you for's oath sake: marry, he hath better bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now scarce to be worth talking of: therefore draw, for the supportance of his vow; he protests he will not hurt you.
74834VIOLA[Aside] Pray God defend me! A little thing would make me tell them how much I lack of a man.
74934FABIANGive ground, if you see him furious.
75034SIR TOBY BELCHCome, Sir Andrew, there's no remedy; the gentleman will, for his honour's sake, have one bout with you; he cannot by the duello avoid it: but he has promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he will not hurt you. Come on; to't.
75134SIR ANDREWPray God, he keep his oath!
75234VIOLAI do assure you, 'tis against my will.
753(stage directions)34[They draw]
754(stage directions)34[Enter ANTONIO]
75534ANTONIOPut up your sword. If this young gentleman Have done offence, I take the fault on me: If you offend him, I for him defy you.
75634SIR TOBY BELCHYou, sir! why, what are you?
75734ANTONIOOne, sir, that for his love dares yet do more Than you have heard him brag to you he will.
75834SIR TOBY BELCHNay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you.
759(stage directions)34[They draw]
760(stage directions)34[Enter Officers]
76134FABIANO good Sir Toby, hold! here come the officers.
76234SIR TOBY BELCHI'll be with you anon.
76334VIOLAPray, sir, put your sword up, if you please.
76434SIR ANDREWMarry, will I, sir; and, for that I promised you, I'll be as good as my word: he will bear you easily and reins well.
76534FIRST OFFICERThis is the man; do thy office.
76634SECOND OFFICERAntonio, I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino.
76734ANTONIOYou do mistake me, sir.
76834FIRST OFFICERNo, sir, no jot; I know your favour well, Though now you have no sea-cap on your head. Take him away: he knows I know him well.
76934ANTONIOI must obey. [To VIOLA] This comes with seeking you: But there's no remedy; I shall answer it. What will you do, now my necessity Makes me to ask you for my purse? It grieves me Much more for what I cannot do for you Than what befalls myself. You stand amazed; But be of comfort.
77034SECOND OFFICERCome, sir, away.
77134ANTONIOI must entreat of you some of that money.
77234VIOLAWhat money, sir? For the fair kindness you have show'd me here, And, part, being prompted by your present trouble, Out of my lean and low ability I'll lend you something: my having is not much; I'll make division of my present with you: Hold, there's half my coffer.
77334ANTONIOWill you deny me now? Is't possible that my deserts to you Can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery, Lest that it make me so unsound a man As to upbraid you with those kindnesses That I have done for you.
77434VIOLAI know of none; Nor know I you by voice or any feature: I hate ingratitude more in a man Than lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness, Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption Inhabits our frail blood.
77534ANTONIOO heavens themselves!
77634SECOND OFFICERCome, sir, I pray you, go.
77734ANTONIOLet me speak a little. This youth that you see here I snatch'd one half out of the jaws of death, Relieved him with such sanctity of love, And to his image, which methought did promise Most venerable worth, did I devotion.
77834FIRST OFFICERWhat's that to us? The time goes by: away!
77934ANTONIOBut O how vile an idol proves this god Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame. In nature there's no blemish but the mind; None can be call'd deform'd but the unkind: Virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evil Are empty trunks o'erflourish'd by the devil.
78034FIRST OFFICERThe man grows mad: away with him! Come, come, sir.
78134ANTONIOLead me on.
782(stage directions)34[Exit with Officers]
78334VIOLAMethinks his words do from such passion fly, That he believes himself: so do not I. Prove true, imagination, O, prove true, That I, dear brother, be now ta'en for you!
78434SIR TOBY BELCHCome hither, knight; come hither, Fabian: we'll whisper o'er a couplet or two of most sage saws.
78534VIOLAHe named Sebastian: I my brother know Yet living in my glass; even such and so In favour was my brother, and he went Still in this fashion, colour, ornament, For him I imitate: O, if it prove, Tempests are kind and salt waves fresh in love.
786(stage directions)34[Exit]
78734SIR TOBY BELCHA very dishonest paltry boy, and more a coward than a hare: his dishonesty appears in leaving his friend here in necessity and denying him; and for his cowardship, ask Fabian.
78834FABIANA coward, a most devout coward, religious in it.
78934SIR ANDREW'Slid, I'll after him again and beat him.
79034SIR TOBY BELCHDo; cuff him soundly, but never draw thy sword.
79134SIR ANDREWAn I do not,--
79234FABIANCome, let's see the event.
79334SIR TOBY BELCHI dare lay any money 'twill be nothing yet.
794(stage directions)34[Exeunt]
795(stage directions)41[Enter SEBASTIAN and Clown]
79641CLOWNWill you make me believe that I am not sent for you?
79741SEBASTIANGo to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow: Let me be clear of thee.
79841CLOWNWell held out, i' faith! No, I do not know you; nor I am not sent to you by my lady, to bid you come speak with her; nor your name is not Master Cesario; nor this is not my nose neither. Nothing that is so is so.
79941SEBASTIANI prithee, vent thy folly somewhere else: Thou know'st not me.
80041CLOWNVent my folly! he has heard that word of some great man and now applies it to a fool. Vent my folly! I am afraid this great lubber, the world, will prove a cockney. I prithee now, ungird thy strangeness and tell me what I shall vent to my lady: shall I vent to her that thou art coming?
80141SEBASTIANI prithee, foolish Greek, depart from me: There's money for thee: if you tarry longer, I shall give worse payment.
80241CLOWNBy my troth, thou hast an open hand. These wise men that give fools money get themselves a good report--after fourteen years' purchase.
803(stage directions)41[Enter SIR ANDREW, SIR TOBY BELCH, and FABIAN]
80441SIR ANDREWNow, sir, have I met you again? there's for you.
80541SEBASTIANWhy, there's for thee, and there, and there. Are all the people mad?
80641SIR TOBY BELCHHold, sir, or I'll throw your dagger o'er the house.
80741CLOWNThis will I tell my lady straight: I would not be in some of your coats for two pence.
808(stage directions)41[Exit]
80941SIR TOBY BELCHCome on, sir; hold.
81041SIR ANDREWNay, let him alone: I'll go another way to work with him; I'll have an action of battery against him, if there be any law in Illyria: though I struck him first, yet it's no matter for that.
81141SEBASTIANLet go thy hand.
81241SIR TOBY BELCHCome, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young soldier, put up your iron: you are well fleshed; come on.
81341SEBASTIANI will be free from thee. What wouldst thou now? If thou darest tempt me further, draw thy sword.
81441SIR TOBY BELCHWhat, what? Nay, then I must have an ounce or two of this malapert blood from you.
815(stage directions)41[Enter OLIVIA]
81641OLIVIAHold, Toby; on thy life I charge thee, hold!
81741SIR TOBY BELCHMadam!
81841OLIVIAWill it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch, Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves, Where manners ne'er were preach'd! out of my sight! Be not offended, dear Cesario. Rudesby, be gone! [Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN] I prithee, gentle friend, Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway In this uncivil and thou unjust extent Against thy peace. Go with me to my house, And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks This ruffian hath botch'd up, that thou thereby Mayst smile at this: thou shalt not choose but go: Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me, He started one poor heart of mine in thee.
81941SEBASTIANWhat relish is in this? how runs the stream? Or I am mad, or else this is a dream: Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep; If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!
82041OLIVIANay, come, I prithee; would thou'ldst be ruled by me!
82141SEBASTIANMadam, I will.
82241OLIVIAO, say so, and so be!
823(stage directions)41[Exeunt]
824(stage directions)42[Enter MARIA and Clown]
82542MARIANay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.
826(stage directions)42[Exit]
82742CLOWNWell, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in't; and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student; but to be said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.
828(stage directions)42[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA]
82942SIR TOBY BELCHJove bless thee, master Parson.
83042CLOWNBonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is;' so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for, what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'?
83142SIR TOBY BELCHTo him, Sir Topas.
83242CLOWNWhat, ho, I say! peace in this prison!
83342SIR TOBY BELCHThe knave counterfeits well; a good knave.
83442MALVOLIO[Within] Who calls there?
83542CLOWNSir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.
83642MALVOLIOSir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.
83742CLOWNOut, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man! talkest thou nothing but of ladies?
83842SIR TOBY BELCHWell said, Master Parson.
83942MALVOLIOSir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me here in hideous darkness.
84042CLOWNFie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy: sayest thou that house is dark?
84142MALVOLIOAs hell, Sir Topas.
84242CLOWNWhy it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clearstores toward the south north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction?
84342MALVOLIOI am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.
84442CLOWNMadman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog.
84542MALVOLIOI say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are: make the trial of it in any constant question.
84642CLOWNWhat is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?
84742MALVOLIOThat the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.
84842CLOWNWhat thinkest thou of his opinion?
84942MALVOLIOI think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.
85042CLOWNFare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness: thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.
85142MALVOLIOSir Topas, Sir Topas!
85242SIR TOBY BELCHMy most exquisite Sir Topas!
85342CLOWNNay, I am for all waters.
85442MARIAThou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown: he sees thee not.
85542SIR TOBY BELCHTo him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.
856(stage directions)42[Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA]
85742CLOWN[Singing] 'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin, Tell me how thy lady does.'
85842MALVOLIOFool!
85942CLOWN'My lady is unkind, perdy.'
86042MALVOLIOFool!
86142CLOWN'Alas, why is she so?'
86242MALVOLIOFool, I say!
86342CLOWN'She loves another'--Who calls, ha?
86442MALVOLIOGood fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper: as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for't.
86542CLOWNMaster Malvolio?
86642MALVOLIOAy, good fool.
86742CLOWNAlas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
86842MALVOLIOFool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.
86942CLOWNBut as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool.
87042MALVOLIOThey have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my wits.
87142CLOWNAdvise you what you say; the minister is here. Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble babble.
87242MALVOLIOSir Topas!
87342CLOWNMaintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I, sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas. Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will.
87442MALVOLIOFool, fool, fool, I say!
87542CLOWNAlas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am shent for speaking to you.
87642MALVOLIOGood fool, help me to some light and some paper: I tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.
87742CLOWNWell-a-day that you were, sir
87842MALVOLIOBy this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and light; and convey what I will set down to my lady: it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.
87942CLOWNI will help you to't. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?
88042MALVOLIOBelieve me, I am not; I tell thee true.
88142CLOWNNay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.
88242MALVOLIOFool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I prithee, be gone.
88342CLOWN[Singing] I am gone, sir, And anon, sir, I'll be with you again, In a trice, Like to the old Vice, Your need to sustain; Who, with dagger of lath, In his rage and his wrath, Cries, ah, ha! to the devil: Like a mad lad, Pare thy nails, dad; Adieu, good man devil.
884(stage directions)42[Exit]
885(stage directions)43[Enter SEBASTIAN]
88643SEBASTIANThis is the air; that is the glorious sun; This pearl she gave me, I do feel't and see't; And though 'tis wonder that enwraps me thus, Yet 'tis not madness. Where's Antonio, then? I could not find him at the Elephant: Yet there he was; and there I found this credit, That he did range the town to seek me out. His counsel now might do me golden service; For though my soul disputes well with my sense, That this may be some error, but no madness, Yet doth this accident and flood of fortune So far exceed all instance, all discourse, That I am ready to distrust mine eyes And wrangle with my reason that persuades me To any other trust but that I am mad Or else the lady's mad; yet, if 'twere so, She could not sway her house, command her followers, Take and give back affairs and their dispatch With such a smooth, discreet and stable bearing As I perceive she does: there's something in't That is deceiveable. But here the lady comes.
887(stage directions)43[Enter OLIVIA and Priest]
88843OLIVIABlame not this haste of mine. If you mean well, Now go with me and with this holy man Into the chantry by: there, before him, And underneath that consecrated roof, Plight me the full assurance of your faith; That my most jealous and too doubtful soul May live at peace. He shall conceal it Whiles you are willing it shall come to note, What time we will our celebration keep According to my birth. What do you say?
88943SEBASTIANI'll follow this good man, and go with you; And, having sworn truth, ever will be true.
89043OLIVIAThen lead the way, good father; and heavens so shine, That they may fairly note this act of mine!
891(stage directions)43[Exeunt]
892(stage directions)51[Enter Clown and FABIAN]
89351FABIANNow, as thou lovest me, let me see his letter.
89451CLOWNGood Master Fabian, grant me another request.
89551FABIANAny thing.
89651CLOWNDo not desire to see this letter.
89751FABIANThis is, to give a dog, and in recompense desire my dog again.
898(stage directions)51[Enter DUKE ORSINO, VIOLA, CURIO, and Lords]
89951DUKE ORSINOBelong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?
90051CLOWNAy, sir; we are some of her trappings.
90151DUKE ORSINOI know thee well; how dost thou, my good fellow?
90251CLOWNTruly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse for my friends.
90351DUKE ORSINOJust the contrary; the better for thy friends.
90451CLOWNNo, sir, the worse.
90551DUKE ORSINOHow can that be?
90651CLOWNMarry, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me; now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass: so that by my foes, sir I profit in the knowledge of myself, and by my friends, I am abused: so that, conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives make your two affirmatives why then, the worse for my friends and the better for my foes.
90751DUKE ORSINOWhy, this is excellent.
90851CLOWNBy my troth, sir, no; though it please you to be one of my friends.
90951DUKE ORSINOThou shalt not be the worse for me: there's gold.
91051CLOWNBut that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would you could make it another.
91151DUKE ORSINOO, you give me ill counsel.
91251CLOWNPut your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once, and let your flesh and blood obey it.
91351DUKE ORSINOWell, I will be so much a sinner, to be a double-dealer: there's another.
91451CLOWNPrimo, secundo, tertio, is a good play; and the old saying is, the third pays for all: the triplex, sir, is a good tripping measure; or the bells of Saint Bennet, sir, may put you in mind; one, two, three.
91551DUKE ORSINOYou can fool no more money out of me at this throw: if you will let your lady know I am here to speak with her, and bring her along with you, it may awake my bounty further.
91651CLOWNMarry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come again. I go, sir; but I would not have you to think that my desire of having is the sin of covetousness: but, as you say, sir, let your bounty take a nap, I will awake it anon.
917(stage directions)51[Exit]
91851VIOLAHere comes the man, sir, that did rescue me.
919(stage directions)51[Enter ANTONIO and Officers]
92051DUKE ORSINOThat face of his I do remember well; Yet, when I saw it last, it was besmear'd As black as Vulcan in the smoke of war: A bawbling vessel was he captain of, For shallow draught and bulk unprizable; With which such scathful grapple did he make With the most noble bottom of our fleet, That very envy and the tongue of loss Cried fame and honour on him. What's the matter?
92151FIRST OFFICEROrsino, this is that Antonio That took the Phoenix and her fraught from Candy; And this is he that did the Tiger board, When your young nephew Titus lost his leg: Here in the streets, desperate of shame and state, In private brabble did we apprehend him.
92251VIOLAHe did me kindness, sir, drew on my side; But in conclusion put strange speech upon me: I know not what 'twas but distraction.
92351DUKE ORSINONotable pirate! thou salt-water thief! What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies, Whom thou, in terms so bloody and so dear, Hast made thine enemies?
92451ANTONIOOrsino, noble sir, Be pleased that I shake off these names you give me: Antonio never yet was thief or pirate, Though I confess, on base and ground enough, Orsino's enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither: That most ingrateful boy there by your side, From the rude sea's enraged and foamy mouth Did I redeem; a wreck past hope he was: His life I gave him and did thereto add My love, without retention or restraint, All his in dedication; for his sake Did I expose myself, pure for his love, Into the danger of this adverse town; Drew to defend him when he was beset: Where being apprehended, his false cunning, Not meaning to partake with me in danger, Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance, And grew a twenty years removed thing While one would wink; denied me mine own purse, Which I had recommended to his use Not half an hour before.
92551VIOLAHow can this be?
92651DUKE ORSINOWhen came he to this town?
92751ANTONIOTo-day, my lord; and for three months before, No interim, not a minute's vacancy, Both day and night did we keep company.
928(stage directions)51[Enter OLIVIA and Attendants]
92951DUKE ORSINOHere comes the countess: now heaven walks on earth. But for thee, fellow; fellow, thy words are madness: Three months this youth hath tended upon me; But more of that anon. Take him aside.
93051OLIVIAWhat would my lord, but that he may not have, Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable? Cesario, you do not keep promise with me.
93151VIOLAMadam!
93251DUKE ORSINOGracious Olivia,--
93351OLIVIAWhat do you say, Cesario? Good my lord,--
93451VIOLAMy lord would speak; my duty hushes me.
93551OLIVIAIf it be aught to the old tune, my lord, It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear As howling after music.
93651DUKE ORSINOStill so cruel?
93751OLIVIAStill so constant, lord.
93851DUKE ORSINOWhat, to perverseness? you uncivil lady, To whose ingrate and unauspicious altars My soul the faithfull'st offerings hath breathed out That e'er devotion tender'd! What shall I do?
93951OLIVIAEven what it please my lord, that shall become him.
94051DUKE ORSINOWhy should I not, had I the heart to do it, Like to the Egyptian thief at point of death, Kill what I love?--a savage jealousy That sometimes savours nobly. But hear me this: Since you to non-regardance cast my faith, And that I partly know the instrument That screws me from my true place in your favour, Live you the marble-breasted tyrant still; But this your minion, whom I know you love, And whom, by heaven I swear, I tender dearly, Him will I tear out of that cruel eye, Where he sits crowned in his master's spite. Come, boy, with me; my thoughts are ripe in mischief: I'll sacrifice the lamb that I do love, To spite a raven's heart within a dove.
94151VIOLAAnd I, most jocund, apt and willingly, To do you rest, a thousand deaths would die.
94251OLIVIAWhere goes Cesario?
94351VIOLAAfter him I love More than I love these eyes, more than my life, More, by all mores, than e'er I shall love wife. If I do feign, you witnesses above Punish my life for tainting of my love!
94451OLIVIAAy me, detested! how am I beguiled!
94551VIOLAWho does beguile you? who does do you wrong?
94651OLIVIAHast thou forgot thyself? is it so long? Call forth the holy father.
94751DUKE ORSINOCome, away!
94851OLIVIAWhither, my lord? Cesario, husband, stay.
94951DUKE ORSINOHusband!
95051OLIVIAAy, husband: can he that deny?
95151DUKE ORSINOHer husband, sirrah!
95251VIOLANo, my lord, not I.
95351OLIVIAAlas, it is the baseness of thy fear That makes thee strangle thy propriety: Fear not, Cesario; take thy fortunes up; Be that thou know'st thou art, and then thou art As great as that thou fear'st. [Enter Priest] O, welcome, father! Father, I charge thee, by thy reverence, Here to unfold, though lately we intended To keep in darkness what occasion now Reveals before 'tis ripe, what thou dost know Hath newly pass'd between this youth and me.
95451PRIESTA contract of eternal bond of love, Confirm'd by mutual joinder of your hands, Attested by the holy close of lips, Strengthen'd by interchangement of your rings; And all the ceremony of this compact Seal'd in my function, by my testimony: Since when, my watch hath told me, toward my grave I have travell'd but two hours.
95551DUKE ORSINOO thou dissembling cub! what wilt thou be When time hath sow'd a grizzle on thy case? Or will not else thy craft so quickly grow, That thine own trip shall be thine overthrow? Farewell, and take her; but direct thy feet Where thou and I henceforth may never meet.
95651VIOLAMy lord, I do protest--
95751OLIVIAO, do not swear! Hold little faith, though thou hast too much fear.
958(stage directions)51[Enter SIR ANDREW]
95951SIR ANDREWFor the love of God, a surgeon! Send one presently to Sir Toby.
96051OLIVIAWhat's the matter?
96151SIR ANDREWHe has broke my head across and has given Sir Toby a bloody coxcomb too: for the love of God, your help! I had rather than forty pound I were at home.
96251OLIVIAWho has done this, Sir Andrew?
96351SIR ANDREWThe count's gentleman, one Cesario: we took him for a coward, but he's the very devil incardinate.
96451DUKE ORSINOMy gentleman, Cesario?
96551SIR ANDREW'Od's lifelings, here he is! You broke my head for nothing; and that that I did, I was set on to do't by Sir Toby.
96651VIOLAWhy do you speak to me? I never hurt you: You drew your sword upon me without cause; But I bespoke you fair, and hurt you not.
96751SIR ANDREWIf a bloody coxcomb be a hurt, you have hurt me: I think you set nothing by a bloody coxcomb. [Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and Clown] Here comes Sir Toby halting; you shall hear more: but if he had not been in drink, he would have tickled you othergates than he did.
96851DUKE ORSINOHow now, gentleman! how is't with you?
96951SIR TOBY BELCHThat's all one: has hurt me, and there's the end on't. Sot, didst see Dick surgeon, sot?
97051CLOWNO, he's drunk, Sir Toby, an hour agone; his eyes were set at eight i' the morning.
97151SIR TOBY BELCHThen he's a rogue, and a passy measures panyn: I hate a drunken rogue.
97251OLIVIAAway with him! Who hath made this havoc with them?
97351SIR ANDREWI'll help you, Sir Toby, because well be dressed together.
97451SIR TOBY BELCHWill you help? an ass-head and a coxcomb and a knave, a thin-faced knave, a gull!
97551OLIVIAGet him to bed, and let his hurt be look'd to.
976(stage directions)51[Exeunt Clown, FABIAN, SIR TOBY BELCH, and SIR ANDREW]
977(stage directions)51[Enter SEBASTIAN]
97851SEBASTIANI am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman: But, had it been the brother of my blood, I must have done no less with wit and safety. You throw a strange regard upon me, and by that I do perceive it hath offended you: Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vows We made each other but so late ago.
97951DUKE ORSINOOne face, one voice, one habit, and two persons, A natural perspective, that is and is not!
98051SEBASTIANAntonio, O my dear Antonio! How have the hours rack'd and tortured me, Since I have lost thee!
98151ANTONIOSebastian are you?
98251SEBASTIANFear'st thou that, Antonio?
98351ANTONIOHow have you made division of yourself? An apple, cleft in two, is not more twin Than these two creatures. Which is Sebastian?
98451OLIVIAMost wonderful!
98551SEBASTIANDo I stand there? I never had a brother; Nor can there be that deity in my nature, Of here and every where. I had a sister, Whom the blind waves and surges have devour'd. Of charity, what kin are you to me? What countryman? what name? what parentage?
98651VIOLAOf Messaline: Sebastian was my father; Such a Sebastian was my brother too, So went he suited to his watery tomb: If spirits can assume both form and suit You come to fright us.
98751SEBASTIANA spirit I am indeed; But am in that dimension grossly clad Which from the womb I did participate. Were you a woman, as the rest goes even, I should my tears let fall upon your cheek, And say 'Thrice-welcome, drowned Viola!'
98851VIOLAMy father had a mole upon his brow.
98951SEBASTIANAnd so had mine.
99051VIOLAAnd died that day when Viola from her birth Had number'd thirteen years.
99151SEBASTIANO, that record is lively in my soul! He finished indeed his mortal act That day that made my sister thirteen years.
99251VIOLAIf nothing lets to make us happy both But this my masculine usurp'd attire, Do not embrace me till each circumstance Of place, time, fortune, do cohere and jump That I am Viola: which to confirm, I'll bring you to a captain in this town, Where lie my maiden weeds; by whose gentle help I was preserved to serve this noble count. All the occurrence of my fortune since Hath been between this lady and this lord.
99351SEBASTIAN[To OLIVIA] So comes it, lady, you have been mistook: But nature to her bias drew in that. You would have been contracted to a maid; Nor are you therein, by my life, deceived, You are betroth'd both to a maid and man.
99451DUKE ORSINOBe not amazed; right noble is his blood. If this be so, as yet the glass seems true, I shall have share in this most happy wreck. [To VIOLA] Boy, thou hast said to me a thousand times Thou never shouldst love woman like to me.
99551VIOLAAnd all those sayings will I overswear; And those swearings keep as true in soul As doth that orbed continent the fire That severs day from night.
99651DUKE ORSINOGive me thy hand; And let me see thee in thy woman's weeds.
99751VIOLAThe captain that did bring me first on shore Hath my maid's garments: he upon some action Is now in durance, at Malvolio's suit, A gentleman, and follower of my lady's.
99851OLIVIAHe shall enlarge him: fetch Malvolio hither: And yet, alas, now I remember me, They say, poor gentleman, he's much distract. [Re-enter Clown with a letter, and FABIAN] A most extracting frenzy of mine own From my remembrance clearly banish'd his. How does he, sirrah?
99951CLOWNTruly, madam, he holds Belzebub at the staves's end as well as a man in his case may do: has here writ a letter to you; I should have given't you to-day morning, but as a madman's epistles are no gospels, so it skills not much when they are delivered.
100051OLIVIAOpen't, and read it.
100151CLOWNLook then to be well edified when the fool delivers the madman. [Reads] 'By the Lord, madam,'--
100251OLIVIAHow now! art thou mad?
100351CLOWNNo, madam, I do but read madness: an your ladyship will have it as it ought to be, you must allow Vox.
100451OLIVIAPrithee, read i' thy right wits.
100551CLOWNSo I do, madonna; but to read his right wits is to read thus: therefore perpend, my princess, and give ear.
100651OLIVIARead it you, sirrah.
1007(stage directions)51[To FABIAN]
100851FABIAN[Reads] 'By the Lord, madam, you wrong me, and the world shall know it: though you have put me into darkness and given your drunken cousin rule over me, yet have I the benefit of my senses as well as your ladyship. I have your own letter that induced me to the semblance I put on; with the which I doubt not but to do myself much right, or you much shame. Think of me as you please. I leave my duty a little unthought of and speak out of my injury. THE MADLY-USED MALVOLIO.'
100951OLIVIADid he write this?
101051CLOWNAy, madam.
101151DUKE ORSINOThis savours not much of distraction.
101251OLIVIASee him deliver'd, Fabian; bring him hither. [Exit FABIAN] My lord so please you, these things further thought on, To think me as well a sister as a wife, One day shall crown the alliance on't, so please you, Here at my house and at my proper cost.
101351DUKE ORSINOMadam, I am most apt to embrace your offer. [To VIOLA] Your master quits you; and for your service done him, So much against the mettle of your sex, So far beneath your soft and tender breeding, And since you call'd me master for so long, Here is my hand: you shall from this time be Your master's mistress.
101451OLIVIAA sister! you are she.
1015(stage directions)51[Re-enter FABIAN, with MALVOLIO]
101651DUKE ORSINOIs this the madman?
101751OLIVIAAy, my lord, this same. How now, Malvolio!
101851MALVOLIOMadam, you have done me wrong, Notorious wrong.
101951OLIVIAHave I, Malvolio? no.
102051MALVOLIOLady, you have. Pray you, peruse that letter. You must not now deny it is your hand: Write from it, if you can, in hand or phrase; Or say 'tis not your seal, nor your invention: You can say none of this: well, grant it then And tell me, in the modesty of honour, Why you have given me such clear lights of favour, Bade me come smiling and cross-garter'd to you, To put on yellow stockings and to frown Upon Sir Toby and the lighter people; And, acting this in an obedient hope, Why have you suffer'd me to be imprison'd, Kept in a dark house, visited by the priest, And made the most notorious geck and gull That e'er invention play'd on? tell me why.
102151OLIVIAAlas, Malvolio, this is not my writing, Though, I confess, much like the character But out of question 'tis Maria's hand. And now I do bethink me, it was she First told me thou wast mad; then camest in smiling, And in such forms which here were presupposed Upon thee in the letter. Prithee, be content: This practise hath most shrewdly pass'd upon thee; But when we know the grounds and authors of it, Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge Of thine own cause.
102251FABIANGood madam, hear me speak, And let no quarrel nor no brawl to come Taint the condition of this present hour, Which I have wonder'd at. In hope it shall not, Most freely I confess, myself and Toby Set this device against Malvolio here, Upon some stubborn and uncourteous parts We had conceived against him: Maria writ The letter at Sir Toby's great importance; In recompense whereof he hath married her. How with a sportful malice it was follow'd, May rather pluck on laughter than revenge; If that the injuries be justly weigh'd That have on both sides pass'd.
102351OLIVIAAlas, poor fool, how have they baffled thee!
102451CLOWNWhy, 'some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrown upon them.' I was one, sir, in this interlude; one Sir Topas, sir; but that's all one. 'By the Lord, fool, I am not mad.' But do you remember? 'Madam, why laugh you at such a barren rascal? an you smile not, he's gagged:' and thus the whirligig of time brings in his revenges.
102551MALVOLIOI'll be revenged on the whole pack of you.
1026(stage directions)51[Exit]
102751OLIVIAHe hath been most notoriously abused.
102851DUKE ORSINOPursue him and entreat him to a peace: He hath not told us of the captain yet: When that is known and golden time convents, A solemn combination shall be made Of our dear souls. Meantime, sweet sister, We will not part from hence. Cesario, come; For so you shall be, while you are a man; But when in other habits you are seen, Orsino's mistress and his fancy's queen.
1029(stage directions)51[Exeunt all, except Clown]
103051CLOWN[Sings] When that I was and a little tiny boy, With hey, ho, the wind and the rain, A foolish thing was but a toy, For the rain it raineth every day. But when I came to man's estate, With hey, ho, &c. 'Gainst knaves and thieves men shut their gate, For the rain, &c. But when I came, alas! to wive, With hey, ho, &c. By swaggering could I never thrive, For the rain, &c. But when I came unto my beds, With hey, ho, &c. With toss-pots still had drunken heads, For the rain, &c. A great while ago the world begun, With hey, ho, &c. But that's all one, our play is done, And we'll strive to please you every day.
1031(stage directions)51[Exit]


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